Wow. Just . . . Wow.

Somebody just said something so hypocritical, accusatory, and inaccurate to me at the wrong place, the wrong time and in company that I'm having an adrenalin rush trying to calm down.

Because it was the wrong place, wrong time, with company, I just got up and left the room. I haven't slammed any doors, given any dirty looks, no real reaction. I think being stunned by the Wrongness and totally offended helped me make it out of the room with no fanfare.

I've got to get out of this place. I can't let people who don't or won't bother to understand me continue to have an effect on me. I can't keep taking shit from people that I'm not allowed to confront. It's just no good. It's not healthy for me.

I may be a piece of shit, worthless, unbearable human being, but that doesn't mean you get to shit all over me. You don't get to blindside me with your constant projection and transference of your neuroses.

I have the right not to be attacked. I have the right not to have to deal with all your fucked up shit. I have the right to defend myself. And apparently I have the duty, as well, since nobody else is going to do it.

This is an inherently unfair dynamic, but I suppose I ultimately have no one to blame but myself, as I perpetuate these roles. And it is within my power, theoretically, to stop this whole cycle. I could, hypothetically, choose not to be furious and offended right now.

So I sit here, taking slow breaths, trying to let go of all the yucky stuff, plotting my escape, plotting my freedom, hoping for a break, and wishing I could just be left alone. You just have to convince yourself that It Doesn't Matter. A simple concept, but often a difficult execution.

One day I will be Someplace that isn't Angry or Hurt or Boxed In. I know that. I just have to get there. I hate these feelings. So very much.