gogogogogo

got to get a few hundred dollars to pay bills by Friday (hahahahahahahahaha)

trying to book extra and audience work around scheduled and requested nanny days

trying to get majority of "action" pix and vids recorded this week and sent to agent. as this requires assistance, i have some luck. but i don't have a bestie who can just eff off and help me out.

have credit card with some room left--really need to buy things like food. undergarments. many of my clothes do not be looking right on my person because i've lost some weight. i refuse to spend more Money I Don't Have on clothing until I have lost some more weight. Good thing I stole ex left belt behind. Droopy Drawers For Life!!!

speaking of drawers, my ass needs a much more rigorous exercise plan. 10k steps a day is cool and still a challenge, but its also a lot of time. i love my walks, but i require faster results and Let's Face It: my old ass really needs a tune up.

i think im supposed to sign up for an improv class. thank god for the credit system and forgive me for participating in the crippling financial disaster that is our country. please feel free to share all my blame with healthcare costs. thankyoudrivethru

i think my uterus is trying to kill me, or drive me insane. which i clearly do not have time for.

i'm tired. i don't feel good a lot. i need to take better care of myself. i need some fun.

unfortunately, i have to rely on myself for help with this stuff. and i am not much help these days.

its so weird to have so many superficial things to focus on to work towards some of my dreams. like, i really need to worry about how old i look? how white my teeth are (don't even talk about straight).

my eyebrow hair? really?

yes. really. so off for some painful personal grooming.

It's 90 F in Amarillo? In October?

People, seriously.

https://weather.com/news/weather/video/summer-in-october-hundreds-of-records-could-fall?pl=pl-editor-picks

There is no "going" to Hell. We're making Hell right here on Earth.

It's 86 F in Pensacola.

That's just mean.

man in a suitcase returns home, apocalypse expected

sometimes i feel like i need to barf up or slough off the bad energy i've been around.

that sounds totally CA woo-woo, but let me give you an example: spending time with an extremely dysfuntctional family who are fighting while a young woman is getting brain surgery. for tumors.


so, yeah, i wish i could rinse away the residue of that


Positive Aspect: Cousin made in thru surgery, initial stuff looks good. Hopefully she is on road to recovery.

And with that, off to watch season premiere of Walking Dead.

I'm pretty sure that if they deface my boo, I will be done with the show for life. I got enough stress without worrying about Rickle Pickle all the time. He's my totem animal. I need him to be okay.

PS---SFO to LAX, by ground, in 5.5 hours. Personal best of my N-S trips lately. And I didn't even leave until 12:22 pm. Basically I folded space time.

serenity now

Another hospital, another person in danger and in need of help. She asked me to come and there are people in need of support. It's all I have to offer.

Bonus: family that puts the Fucked in dysfunctional. For reals

Modified shiva has ended, and since I couldn't do it properly, I've decided to end with a mitzvah dedicated to Chris. I will try to emulate him and honor his belief that family is important. I will try to be helpful and supportive. I will try to let kindness and logic guide my actions, and ignore petty feelings and disturbances.

keeping track

--father getting initial check to see if he can get secondary check to determine if suspicious mass in lung is cancer FINALLY happening tomorrow

--cousin getting brain tumor removed, 22 yrs old. Jfc. Trip to SF.

--shiva continues with trip to SF as final mitzvah honoring uncle

--aunt seems to have no will to live, hanging on just barely, all by choice?

--meeting with agent tomorrow. How can i present my best, most special, dazzling, effervescent self when i look like the walking dead? my personality isn't exactly sparkling right now. but hey, that's why it's called acting. ha ha.

--bills bills bills

--finally caught up on S6 Walking Dead. Motherfucking Denny Duquette. Volatile. I love you, Rickle Pickle, you crazy eyed mofo.

--i'm getting too old for this shit.

i feel like i've aged three years in one morning

One of those days.

My life is underwhelming while overwhelming me in all the wrong ways.

there's gotta be a break in this action

A Silver Tear Appears, I'm Crying Ain't I?

Yesterday my Uncle Chris died.

It should have been no surprise that my bizzaro subconscious jukebox had me singing Carolina In My Mind today.

The first concert I ever went to was James Taylor. I was 12 or 13 and he took us kids--Uncle Chris thought it was important that we see live music.

I know he is more at peace now then perhaps he ever was in life.

I sang, with my stuffy nose and froggy voice, Fire and Rain and Carolina and dedicated them to him, in my heart.

Later in the night, I sang Carolina as a lullaby to a baby.

And in this way I will sit my solitary, queer shiva. No one will probably even notice. I'm not even sure how to do it.

Another bright light has been snuffed out and the sky is forever darker for it, the world forever less.

Ain't it just like a friend of mine, to hit me from behind?

what love can cost you

someone i love is dying. he has asked to be left alone.
no jumping in cars, catching flights, rushing to the scene
none of those things
if respecting his wishes is the right thing to do,
why does it feel so bad and wrong?

i wish i loved him less
and could selfishly be with him in an instant

love
for all its wonders, it can still exact a terrible toll

don't get any big ideas (blues)*

For somebody with
supposed and reasonable though really ougthen have been a bit bettered by now
fear of abandonment issues,

you sure do jump ship quick, buddy

How could you say you love me, claim to have ever felt a tender feeling towards me, if you would hurt me so

i know some of it you probably don't understand
but damnit you should ask
isn't this about being equals
about sharing equals
about caring equals
about how you and i and are gonna take care of each other?

couldn't i trust you to always be my friend? i've only spent a year pouring my heart out to you about how lost and vulnerable i am.

why would you say that to me if you didn't mean it? that wasn't fair

couldn't i trust you to always be my friend?

it's all good, you win
you tore ass so fast
i never got the chance to abandon you

i hope it makes you feel safe
cuz it makes me feel stiffed
like i had a line on something good for once
and Fate clocked me from behind
and i woke up having missed the ride

of a lifetime?

even then, couldn't i trust to you to always be my friend?

if we haven't had something here
something that can be explained by basic psychology
cold and concise
explained by basic biology
pheromones from white lab mice
something that could certainly be reduced to a crude, dispassionate, disinterested description

except i prefer the one they like to use in poems and songs so much
cuz i'm a sap

if i really even understand what the word love means

i looked into your eyes once and saw something like your soul

or else i'm just nuts
which is turning less unlikely by the crisis

my god if you changed your mind i understand why!

couldn't i trust you to to always be my friend?

*alternatley, I May Well Live To Regret This

does it ever end, should it?

another hospital

another clusterfuck of family dysfunctional dynamics
ith
another set of things i never needed to know

why is the right thing so hard, exhausting? is anything really ever the right choice?

so many people in need, so desperately, angry and hurt and shiiiit

i'm just so exhausted

every one is so exhausted
were can we recover
where can we find respite

and of course, who will care for me,

poorly, resentfully, erratically, unreliably, and with ever decreasing presence