Dr. Heimlich

You vaking up type person. 

Sheesh.

On The Endurance and Cessation of Pain

like rolling waves, surging forward and falling back
pain ebbs in and washes over, receding only to advance
following the pattern of breath (and you hold it
trying to stave off the next crest
and it almost works)

they say it's how to tell i'm alive

it's bigger than its source, a spring overflowing
carving out hollows in your gut with fire
rearranging the architecture of your neck with tensioned lines
setting your forehead alight
and leaving goosebumps on your arms

if the weakness has left, what's taken its place

there is no peace in movement, no relief in stillness
you are made an fragile elder and mewling infant at once
and if you are lucky enough to procure relief
all that pathetic gratitudes ends in an exhausted slump
as your body uncoils like a wrung out towel

i'm not dying, so i must be so strong by now

Awake. Laughing. Crying.

I can give no just cause for the first, which descended upon me around 1:00 am today.

However, I can provide for the latter two.

I used to watch this show and I will never forget the fireman skit. Bless Harvey Corman.

Watch as Tim Conway lays waste to his castmates, but Vicki Lawrence steals the show.

Remember when I mentioned the film short Derek? Well, it looks like the whole pilot is available online.

Ridiculously Complex Link That Won't Embed

Yup, this is the one that made me cry. Damn Ricky Gervais.

Whatever your feelings are, I urge you to take a few minutes and watch this short.

I know some people don't care for Mr. Gervais. He makes fun of stupid people. He takes shots at celebrities at industry events. People accuse him of being cruel, insensitive, and a bully. I disagree. I think Ricky Gervais is a mirror. He attempts to embody and reflect all the foibles of humanity. But he also allows some little grace to come through as well. His creative output is never one note; it's not just comedic, or dramatic, or even just satirical. His work is so bloody full of pathos that it's sometimes hard to bear--there's a terrible familiarity about the worlds that Gervais creates. We are acquainted with all the awkward denizens, we are familiar with the uncomfortable silences, we know all too well the crushing inherent sense of futility and repetition.

And yet. There's that grace note. In The Invention of Lying, the impetus for a human failing (lying) is to provide solace and comfort for loved ones. Gervais' character just wants to console his mother--and not even with real items, but just the concept of peace and prosperity, the notion of rest and care. All of his work is like this, small gems of kindness amidst the rocks of life. They are somehow more touching than all the grand gestures and sweeping overtures of other works, perhaps because Gervais presents us with such an unflinching portrayal of the worst of us, the best can't help but be brilliant in comparison.

Whether silly or snide, goofy or gloomy, the consistent push from Gervais is to Look, to See, and to Think. I think the man may be cursed with an unhappily keen understanding of human nature. He demands logic and reason, and where he finds none he'll let you know. Loudly.

As for the titular character in Derek? He's one of Gervais' genuinely sweetest characters to date. It wasn't until I saw this short that I realized Ricky could act. What at first seems like a cruel mime show quickly turns into a part played with fearless physicality. Derek is ugly. Derek is awkward. Derek is Not Situationaly Aware. Derek is a nuisance. He is one of the guileless people born or bred to be tone deaf to the subtle notes of human interaction.

Derek is also loving. Loyal. Tirelessly honest. Affectionate. Kind. I'm glad I don't know Derek, because he breaks my heart.

And that's all I have to say about that.

Thanksgiving Pt. 2

Things I'm grateful for this year:

• My friends, who make me laugh and drag me out of the house and pick me and drop me off and buy me movie tickets and listen to me whine and laugh at my dumb jokes and feed me and take my phone calls and act happy to see me.
• My family. They are crazy and goofy and I wouldn't have it any other way.
• Music. Always and forever. Lately has been rather fanciful and fun for me, including: Chris Cornell, Michael Penn, Tennessee Ernie Ford, Howlin' Wolf, Dolly Parton, Edward Sharpe, The Fray, Radiohead, Shawn Colvin, K's Choice, The Dandy Warhols, Spin Doctors, The Cardigans, John Murphy and Jay & The Americans.
• Acting and film making, in its various incarnations. So. Much. Joy.
• Books, and the amazing availability afforded by e-books.
• My iPad and iPod, both presents from my Gulf Coast friends and co-workers.
• My particular brand of friend who comment on this blog, call me, send me texts, email me, play Words With Friends, or any other method of keeping in contact, keeping our friendship alive, and letting me know they are thinking about me.
• My big bro, who's making it possible to travel to visit family.
• My friends Hotsauce and Mrs. R--making it possible for me to have a comfortable place to stay during my trip.
• The surprise phone call from my little bro.
• The surprise Skype tonight wherein my little sis stayed on an extra hour with me just to shoot the shit.
• My friends getting jobs. It's so great and I'm so happy for them. And they deserve it, for realz.
• Rowdy Rodi and Jones. Awesome people that I'm glad to have met.
• Finally getting to see my cousin again after a decade. She grew up into a very cool person.
• My Uncles. Chris Rock is right, your Uncles prepare you for all the crazy shit you are going to encounter in life. They also feed you lobster and tell you horrible jokes. And sometimes they apologize for things they don't need to. And sometimes they invite you over just because.
• My Bef.
• Kitties and Doggies and the chance to meet them all over the place.
• The beautiful weather here.
• Nail polish and lip gloss. (What? I can be shallow and materialistic.)
• Sushi, pickles, olives, cheese, milk, nectarines, bananas, Dr. Pepper.
• My Endo doc. Though I have troubles, he is always the sweetest.
• Every silly thing ever posted on the internet. Tumblr for unalloyed craziness.

That's all I got for now. I'm sure I left some important stuff out. The curse of aging and food comas. 

Thanksgiving Pt. 1

It's Thanksgiving and I am once again HELPING by baking some stuff.

You know what that means.

If my pie falls, the crust crumbles, and I tumble to think of facing Lin Lin.

Bet you didn't know we also do lyrics here at Blather Blahg, eh, eh?

If you hear about sudden SoCal fire outbreaks, it was So Not Me.

Why, God, Why?

Why have I been up since 4:30 and no Dr. Pepper or Pepsi has magically manifested in my house?

WHHHHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?????????

*sigh*

Back to sending out resumes. One may question the wisdom of penning missives in bleary eyed, wee hours of the morn. One would be right to do so.

Likely responses to my fuddled applications?

How do I feel about that?

Skyfall Review

Go see it. I did. Don't you want to be just like me, kids?

I hear instagram does fx like this. Too bad I already have Photoshop, you twittering biatches!

If you loved Casino Royale, you will love Skyfall. From the kaleidoscopic opening credits to the panoramic vistas to the artful framing of the action shots and close ups, this is a beautiful movie.

Beautiful may not be a term you normally associate with the Bond franchise. (Besides the Girls). But this film is a cinematic achievement, at turns breathtaking, gloomy, inviting, and dazzling. And for some of us, we should recall that's what Bond films used to be about: exotic locations, beautiful people, beautiful sets. In short, a recreation of Fleming's lush and snobby sensualism. A chance to see the incredible.

So many films these days rely on images of the future, faux worlds, manipulated pixels, that it's easy to forget how compelling planet Earth can be. And it's not just the rooting in the almost-real world of Bond that's a throwback. The film is rife with nostalgia and nods to the 50 years of franchise. It's a strange tone choice for Craig's third outing, but in the context of the larger Bond universe it makes sense. This may go down as one of the best of the series.

Considering the director is Sam Mendes (American Beauty, Road to Perdition, Jarhead) it's not surprising that the film is so damn good and pretty to look at. And it is stunning. There are too many to list, but I can still see the aerial shots of Shanghai--never has a modern city looked more beautiful. There's an amazing fight sequence done in silhouette with eerie, beautiful ghostly images in the background. Even London is shot with love, each take lingering just a bit to let us soak in the venerable lady.

Casino Royale sold me with its opening parkour scene. I never thought that would be repeated, but Skyfall did it again with an extended chase scene that will convince you MI-6 employees can't possilby be paid decent enough salaries. My mouth was literally hanging open for the duration of that scene.

But a hero can only be as good as his villian, right? Well Javier "Method Hair" Bardem is crazier than a bag of cats and twice as fun. The man even uses his freaking nostrils to act. Act KA-RAY-ZEE. So great, so incredibly great.

Side note: Daniel Craig wears the hell out his suits, even more so than usual. For those interested, Tom Ford dressed him. God bless Tom Ford, y'all. For real.

So, Skyfall. Maybe I was just primed to see a Bond film. Or maybe it's just that damn good.

Post dedicated to Shik. Hope the sacrificed length is made up for with instant gratification.

Hot Pepperoni

Sing along at home if you know the words!

Hot pepperoni
Tasty spumoni
Veal parmigiana, veal parmigiana!

Adrien Brody Resurfaces!

My attorney has advised me that posts like these should come with extra super duper disclaimers. Actually, my attorney keeps trying to get me to stop posting and delete a bunch of stuff. BUT THE SHOW MUST GO ON. Anyways, just keep in mind that I'm not real, I don't get much sleep these days, my assertions aren't real, and nothing I say should be taken seriously by anyone. Ever. The Matrix has you, Neo. 

Ho ho ho! What is this? My sweet baby!

ABrods, looking like the pensive hepcat he is.

 He's been bumming around Europe for a bit (I think). He hangs out on yachts, goes to Cannes, you know, just like how I've been spending my off time.

This saucy minx. . . I want photos of him shooting finger guns. Kwanzaa prezzie! Anyone? Anyone?

Oh, so happy to have some pics to scroll throu--waitaminute. What is that?

 What

 

The

 Hell?!?!?!?

So, some gorgeous model type has rolled up on my honey pie? Well, I'm sure it's not ser--

Hold the phone, there, Sparky. I'm onto this interloper. I think we can all see that she's manipulating ABrods, trying to subliminally affect his psyche. I mean, just look at that dress. It's like waving a whiskey bottle in front of an alkie in DTs. Know what I mean? No? Well, let me illustrate:

Remind you of anybody's dress?

That's right. Look real close. Artful wench! How many boxes do you think that took?

 That cruel temptress! She has taken his greatest strength and turned it into an Achilles heel! And why didn't I think of this first?

Oh Adrien, you lovely, impressionable, flu-season fearing darling. I will just have to remind myself that this phase will pass away with the winter months. And pray that you aren't prone to hay fever.

And I may not be tall, beautiful, or able to strategically apply tissue paper as clothing, but I will always love your profile, The Brothers Bloom, and never ever ever watch The Pianist or The Jacket again. See, I can promise you things.

Denial Survey Says: That's not a kiss. He's just about to sneeze.

All photos: WENN and Celebitchy

In Honor Of Lincoln*

Slightly NSFW.**

*really just in honor of things that make me giggle
**totally completely in now way safe for work

It Would Be Funny If It Weren't So Predictable

So, like a good little citizen I went to vote this morning. I even walked to the polling station, since it was only a mile away.

After twenty minutes in line and some minor confusion over whether I voted by mail or  not, I filled out my ballot form and even scrupulously double checked all my entries.

At the ballot deposit the box the helpful attendant folded my stub correctly, and told me to feed the form through the machine.

Then she said, "Uh oh."

Not a phrase one likes to hear in these situations.

Long story short, some setting was off on the ballot collecting machine and it didn't register my form. As I stood there, various volunteers were congregating. A cell phone was whipped out to make an emergency call and a volunteer was muttering repeatedly, "He's gonna kill me."

They assured me that the ballot collection device was only for collecting, and that all the ballots would be removed and counted for real at the close of polling that day.

Because this is so typical of my life, I didn't even make a fuss. I just slung on my backpack and trudged the mile home.

Remember kids, vote early and vote often. Because who knows when it will count?

Public Service Announcement On Voting in California

For California proposition breakdown, please go here:

http://votersedge.org/

Non partisan with some great metrics, including what a Yes/No vote means, the finanical impact of each choice, who contributed what $ amount to each campaign, who's endorsed each viewpoint, and links to editorials in favor and in opposition of each measure.

Just really great info. And read between the lines, kids. Great example is  Prop 32. Makes it sound like it limits all corporate and union contributions to campaigns. In reality, it doesn't affect corporations at all. In fact, it specifically hamstrings unions, while corporations are free to do whatever they like with their money.

Why does all this stuff have to be so damn complicated and convoluted? I'm beginning to believe that we should eradicate politics as a career choice. Maybe Congress and the House should be like jury duty--you get called, serve your two years, and then the next citizen is up.

Enough. Argh. I hate politics.