like tears in rain

when hard times come
they come in swinging
got a great foot game
and you just can't keep up

friends scatter like leaves
in the stiff November wind
when you are out of sight
you remain out of their thoughts, on no one's mind

all the faces you put on
get worn, tattered and soiled
all your smiles are propped up
with spindly scraps of "how it should be"

if we are all stardust
does that mean we're the leavings of Space
the detritus of combustible angels
undesirable elements

you fiddle with the machinery that keeps you connected to the world
but only because you've forgotten that world doesn't give two shits about you
(the proof is everywhere
in the absence of regard)

Because I Care

I give you this. And when you speak of me, speak well.

Hide Yo Kids! Hide Yo Wife! It's Prions!

I keep telling you fewlz that teh prions is big bad news. You all laugh at me, but SCIENCE backs me up, once again.

Prions Steal Your Happiness, Fuck Up Your Life.

Seriously, prions are linked to depression.

WHY DO THE SCIENTISTS KEEP MAKING THEM?!?!?!?!?!?!?

MLA Citation
Publicase Comunicação Científica. "Sequestered prion protein takes the good mood away, suggests new hypothesis on depression." ScienceDaily. ScienceDaily, 13 August 2015. <www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2015/08/150813104308.htm>.

Journal Source 1
Danielle Beckman, Luis E. Santos, Tatiana A. Americo, Jose H. Ledo, Fernando G. de Mello, Rafael Linden. Prion Protein Modulates Monoaminergic Systems and Depressive-like Behavior in Mice. Journal of Biological Chemistry, 2015; 290 (33): 20488 DOI: 10.1074/jbc.M115.666156

It's The Apocalypse, Y'all

The History Channel is showing an Ancient Aliens program. The theme is aliens, Hitler, and the Third Reich.

It's finally happened. The History Channel has come full circle and gone full retard.

Interstellar - Does Being Dumb Help?

Late to the party, as always, but I finally got to see Christopher Nolan's Interstellar.

(And no, I still haven't seen Inception. Pls see mgmt with any complaints).

Very interesting movie and one that I'm really glad I was able to remain spoiler-free. Not because of any amazing PLOT TWEESTS, but so I could let the movie unfold as the story it was meant to be, rather than waiting for the other shoe to drop.

What I'd like to ask about is some very basic science used in the movie. It appears to be a bone of contentious discussion on the Interwebz, and I have a feeling this is one of those things I'm too dumb to understand. I invite anyone smarter than me (and they are legion) to disabuse me of my simple notion.

Mild spoilers and "scientific" discussion after this cut.

If I Clean Your House, Please Don't Take Offense

For a few reasons:

1. It comes from a place of love. I can't cook, knit, sew, or build anything to contribute to the group. But cleaning is a skill you can learn, and when I put my mind to it I can clean pretty well. So that's what I can contribute to the cause. I do it to help out, not because I think you are dirty. I do it to give you one less thing to worry about. I do it for that great feeling of getting something done that you didn't have to do yourself. I do it to brighten your environment in a way you didn't expect.

It's all I can contribute. Please allow me.

2. For a little while, I get to distract myself from whatever is going on. It's usually when I'm alone, I pop in some headphones and go to town. Meditatioin.

3. My out of shape ass makes it an aerobic exercise. It's good for me. That's built in stress relief while achieving a measurable goal: mentally and physically healthy.

I'm not saying I do a perfect job. But I try to cover whatever I think is important for you. And I try to stay out of your personal stuff.

this is gonna hurt like hell

Bad times a-coming and a-coming up fast. Loved ones on my mind and in my heart. I wish with all my heart I could make things different.

if wishes were fishes we'd all cast nets

But I Don't Have To Go To Work Tomorrow

Medical bills, more tests, no income, massive debt.

No matter what dreary issue was brought up last night, the immediate antidote was that realization:

But I don't have to go to work tomorrow.

Now it is that tomorrow, and I didn't have to go to work.

As the man once sang:

It's been a long time coming, my friends
It's been a long time coming, but now it's here, now it's here

I QUIT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT JOB. HALLELUJAH!

Weird Al Magic Trick

I legit fell for it. Awesome.

http://i.imgur.com/v6dFs83.gifv

How Bad Is This Job?

I feel like people who hear me talk about this job don't really believe me when I try to express how awful it makes me feel.

But tonight I think I encapsulated it in a brief exchange with Handy J:

Working at this job is more awful than having cancer.

Look, Netflix, Seriously?

I can withstand one cheesey Thomas Jane movie available on streaming.

I can walk away from that.

But two? Two?

TWO!

So it looks like I'm watching at least part of The Punisher. Until I remember how much it sucks and fills me with a strange loathing for John Travolta that's best left unexplored.

Then I'll probably give in and watch at least part of The Deep Blue Sea because: Shark Wrangler Wut? Sheeyit--that's all you had to say. Also, this was my intro to Thomas Jane, whose real name I did not learn for years and called "Chirstopher Lambert's bastard child."

Oh, look: Twilight is available, too.

And then I should probably just start banging my head into concrete.

 p.s.

but really tho

I mean, you see this, right?

It gets even stupider.

Now wait just a minute here. . .

I think the may start to become embarrasingly revealing. So let's distract with the number one "those two guys they are so the same."

Totes twinsies! Oh my lord, what the crapshait????

Okay, I've gone too deep in the interwebz again. By gods, though, his hair is magnificent there. Truly.

Goodnight everybody!

p.p.s.

Thank you, Thomas Jane, for your incredible body of work.

Seriously. Thanks.

And god bless Roy Scheider.

Roto Rooter - All Ye Need Know

https://vimeo.com/24340828

Fo realz.

ABOUT TO WATCH LAST TWO EPS OF WALKING DEAD

OMG!

my emotions! my emotions!


i am so worried about my Rickle Pickle and his recent unsavory behavior.

NEVER GO FULL SHANE! C'mon man, everybody knows that.

And what's with this hyper convenient plot about an abusive husband?

i miss my beardo

ME SEE GIRL ME LIKE...ME TAKE

NO RICK NO!*

I hold you to a higher standard than that. You're better than that. Please be better than that.

Carol: the most lethal of the group, hands down.
Sascha: My girl is having bad PTSD, but she's got legit reasons
Daryl: Aw--he made a friend.Who must be a good guy if Daryl trusts him. He motherfucking better be. I'm watching you, Aarong.

SO MANY FEELINGS

and so to view


*though mgmt cannot explain why the shot of rick talking about "just taking" alexandria was so stupidly sexy. such is the power of rickle pickle.

I'm Having What Counts As A Deep Thought For Me

So, spanking as a fetish/paraphilia--I just don't get it.

Look, I'm not judging you for what you like. Paddle away, mofos. Why, some of my best friends are perverted ass slappers.

It's just something I cannot empathize with. I can understand that it produces a good feeling for you, but I can't for the life of me fathom how.

See, I've gotten my ass beat*, and it tweren't fun. There were lots of feelings involved in The Beatings*, but none of it was sexy. Not Never Not Once. You know what emotion I do remember?

Pain and fear, motherfucker. With a healthy dollop of anger and humiliation.

Anyways, that is the very long winded way of me saying that I never got how people who liked to be spanked could translate pain into pleasure. I know that masochists exist, but to have someone actually take true physical pleasure from being smacked in the behind? No, man. Just no.

I mean, there probably are a small percentage of true masochists who have some different wiring than the average h. sapiens.  So for them, pain really does equal pleasure. But most of that shit has got to be psychological satisfaction. From whence I reiterate my party's consistent platform: How You Gonna Tell Me Getting Your Redass On Is FeelGoodSexyTimes?

But today, for the first time, it occurred to be that maybe it wasn't the pain; maybe people craved the mental anguish, the penance, the guilt, etc.

What if some people want to be humiliated because they find it arousing?

And you know what? In the course of typing this post I can tell you that while I can, embarassingly, relate to this secondary theory more than the first, it remains that I cannot understand wanting to feel shame. To feel embarassed. Isn't that, like, the complete opposite of sexy?

Human beings sure are weird. And I just proved it by the amount of time I spent thinking about such a silly subject. Perhaps I need to expand my intellectual borders. Perhaps I'll annex Vienna.

* This is the obligatory disclaimer where i have to say that my parents didn't really beat me (because i don't even KNOW what a real beating feels like) and i have to apologize to my mom who says this makes her sound like a terrible parent and that makes her sad (and when she gets sad she beats my ass scolds me lovingly)

secret title

perhaps the worst thing of all, i think,
is hope.

there is a white buzzing noise
in the monotony of suffering
which kindly soothes you or sweetly drives you to madness
(but it is there
that morbid peace
in the certainty of infinity)

but if you break that lulling, maddening sameness
if the record needle of the universe skips
that's the place where hearts can die
and souls can crumble

O, Persephone
tantalizing saviour
how did you hide such hell so well, so deep
in the innocent guise of a favor?

"That's the hell of it," he grins, his moustache grinning with him
Tips his hat and waltzes away, nicking a purse as he goes
Because he knows
he knows
he knows down to his toes

It's the little things that kill ya.

(pontius pilate's lament)

Doctor Visits: Bitterness and Apathy Ahoy

Here's how it went:

Spent 4 hours at clinic a few weeks ago for endometriosis appt. They couldn't do anything but write me an Rx for ibuprofen. And try to refer me out.

Got a call yesterday morning that I had an appointment with a specialist today at 9 am. That was fun to arrange at work.

Saw doctor today. No exam. No prescriptions. His basic points were:

• Based on notes, this is the most severe case he's dealt with. Never seen it that bad.
• Best short term rec is to get more surgery and then go into chemically induced early menopause for a while. He conceded there were some slight problems with this plan. And that it wasn't a long term solution.
• My long term options are to wait for menopause or get a total hysterectomy.
• If I want to have kids I should do it quickly, since I'm getting so old. (For those unaware, a common belief in the medical community is that the only reason A Woman wouldn't want all her reproductive organs removed is because she wants to have kids. No other reason to have that stuff). He even offered to refer me to a fertility clinic.
• Treating my chronic pain with pain medication carries a risk of dependency. (Hormone replacement increases certain cancer risks, puts me at high high risk for osteoporisis, and a total hyst has a shit ton of side effects.) But I really need to be aware that pain meds could be bad for me. Also, did he mention that pain meds were bad? P.S. some people have problems with pain medications. Edit: we'd rather remove more organs than have you take some pills for several days out of the month. Okay, that last one is just my bitterness seeping through.
• He concluded with, "I'm not doing anything for you today. I'm just trying to educate you about your choices and your fertility. I'm going to try and refer you to pain specialist. 

I really hate going to the doctor's office, but I fucking despise going when it's a conversation we could have had on the fucking phone. I missed work for this shit, got all stressed out, blah blah driving around town and bullshitcakes.

All this crap is exhausting. I start all of these conversations with "Here's what's worked for me, but I am open to suggestions." I wish the suggestions had evolved over the decades beyond "Let us rip out your ovaries."