clavicles and consumption

Death is the unkindest guest
never on time
never to schedule

The only thing worse than his appearance
is his disappearance

Death brings the worst gifts
and takes the things you value
there is no trade
only a terrible and irrevocable withdrawal from your account

i can selfishly say that
i am tired of
(take me away from)
all this death, Major and minor

Not Only Can They Skim Your Card, They Can Discover Your PIN?

It is weird to see an ATM withdrawal that you don't remember making. Especially when it essentially withdrew all the cash you had.

This was a chip-card and everything, but I guess that didn't help?

It wasn't much money (ha ha) but I have bills etc to pay and now I'm concerned about using even the temp card/account from my bank to deposit and withdraw from.

Unexpected expenses when you least can handle them. As I told a friend last night, I've got enough bad luck in the world. I should really focus on making less trouble/bad decisions for myself. At least I don't have to be an asshole to me.

One step up and two steps back. Aside from natural and statistical bad luck, I make lots of dumb moves that end up costing me---one way or another.

I sometimes feel like I've failed at adulting and need some kind of supervisor to follow me around and save me from myself.

blahblahwhine

Another Day, Another Airport

Waiting to fly back West. Waiting for the emotions to spiral out of control. Waiting for the pain.

It was a good visit and I'm very glad I came. It's hard to understand a world that won't have my uncle in it. Doesn't seem like the kind of place I want to be.

How do you tell someone you've loved your whole life exactly how you feel? You can't--it's too much and they probably don't want to hear it because there's a great deal of grief tied into it all. You can't because none of us are ever brave enough to say it. You can't because words seem to lose their meaning and relevancy.

Though I can't fix the mortality problem, I wish I had been smarter and done something with life that would allow me to help the people I love.

A good trip for a rotten reason. So tired of seeing my loved ones in pain. Tired of these thoughts in my head.

It was a good visit. There is that.

It Keeps You Running

Well, managed to procure a last minute flight. Here's my week or so:

• wash, pack, ugh
• audition Mon at noon. My roomies are gone, now I have no one to run lines with. Crap.
• 1st class Mon night. I haven't even attended this class and they are pissing me off already. How hard is it to answer an email or a phone message? Apparently very hard, though the fucks send out emails and assignments just fine. Have to leave as soon as class ends to make. . . 
• Red eye flight back east
• Arrive in AM and drive parents 12+ hours to see uncle who is dying
• Leave from uncle's by the weekend 
• Back in time for class on Monday
• Try and pick up more part time babysitting duties by that Tuesday, because I have no money
• Which reminds me that I need to cancel a few things, including Netflix and my charitable sponsorships. That last one is really bothering me, but wtf can I do? I haven't had a steady income in over five years. 

It doesn't seem like much, but just getting things organized enough to buy the tickets took an enormous amount of energy and coordination. Im just...whatever.

wittle pity pawty

don't mind me
i'll just sit over here

onyourcouch
inyourbackseat
overthephone

and you won't even have to notice
don't even have to acknowledge
the quick silver slipping down my cheeks

this is the end?

beautiful friend, the end

never into your eyes to look, again

this is the stutterting start-stopping heart stomping hullabaloo



it must be nice to have a moment to relax, let your guard down
must be nice, feeling like you've reached the End of the Hard Times
so nice, even if it's just a respite, it has seasons you can plan round

and so in this i imagine it must be very hard to apprehend
to puzzle out
to infer
to even give credit to

(the fact that some people don't get the things you have, will never have the things you get)

a different kind of life

so may this be the end
of miserable bellyaching
of mooning and moaning and pissing
of naive belief in possible relief
of this hopeless love and baseless hope and may all those ends
turn to ash on your tongue

trust is so powerful and so brittle
strong but easily wounded
would i had taken up the metallurgy of human souls
that i might now yet mend it, strengthen it

but if i did, could i trust it?

shite attitude

grumpus

hard to believe you can't hear my heart breaking
tinkling final shards crumbling to grit
underfoot

but that supposes an intimacy between us
that seems to have been alive only
in dreams

gotta shake this all off, walk this off and keep going
one foot at a time
something's bound to go my way someday
someday

it just won't be anything you had your heart set on lately

Too Many Emotions

Sometime in the next few weeks, maybe this week, the plans will be finalized for the visit to my uncle. He's stingy with actual info, but to the best of our abilities, we reckon the end is drawing near.

I'm sitting hear trying to think of a non corny way of saying it, but there's just so many ways to talk about the fact that someone is dying.

I will spend an egregious amount of money (on a credit card.....hahaha) on a last minute plane fare.

I will fly out to see my uncle and cousins for two days. I will fly back in on a Monday and go to my first ever acting class that I signed up for. I just read some reviews today that say the teacher is a major confrontational jackass. I hope not. Especially not if the first day of class is the day I fly back. I don't think I'll be in the right frame of mind. To not punch people who annoy me.

I will fly back here and not get to see the rest of my family in that state, not get to consult with my parents and siblings, not get to be there for my moo, etc.

It's like flying in for all the stress and then zipping back home for more stress, no bennies.

I will be alone in my grief, again. I don't know why that bothers me more this time---normally I prefer to grieve alone.

But there's just been so much bad news for so long. I'm sad and tired. I'm turning into a bitter person, to my horror.

I'm probably just thinking about this all wrong. It's probably not as bad as it seems. I mean, its obviously bad.

But how do you stop being in crisis mode when life is just a series of crises? I think you have to decide to not be in crisis, maybe? Blah blah perception shapes your reality feelingsorryformyselfcakes.