Picked The Wrong Month To Crawl Into A Black Pit of Despair

Because apparently October is when all my relatives do their visiting.

Despite my earnest desire to forgo any human contact, there is a force more powerful. And that force is the Guilt/Obligation Engine. Getting my ass out the door since 19-neveryoumind.

It is pretty impressive. In a time when I can't even be arsed to go see awesome movies with my (long suffering) friends, I will run around with an untreated sinus infection so I can do whatever it is the recent visitors want.

But when I'm not acting as shuttle service for cousins and uncles, it's been rough. There are many times I've started composing an entry about life at this point, only to discard the effort because it seems pointless and depressing.

This last week of doctor visits didn't help. The summary of their input is "Try this stuff you already did before (even though it didn't work before)" and "What do you want me to do about it?"

What do I want? I want to not spend over a year talking to you only to have to recap EVERY GODDAMN ASPECT OF MY TREATMENT WITH YOU EVERY FUCKING VISIT. I want to not have to approach my visits like an attorney preparing to argue a case for litigation. I want you to see me as an individual and quit confusing me with your other patients. I want you to remember what we've discussed. I want you to look into alternatives when the current regiment isn't working.

I want you to listen. And hear me. But why would you? We live in a world where no one listens. Nobody has time. Nobody cares. If I'm barely a blip on the radar of friends and family, how can I really expect to register with people who are just doing a job? Despite the fact that their job is, in fact, to pay attention to these matters I'm bringing up.

Let's face it: I'm exhausted. The realm of health care is like Sisyphean gladiatorial combat--and you have to be your own champion. Even when doctors care, they still aren't really tuned into your case. Which is how you arrive back where I am: here, throw some pills at it (the ones that didn't work before) and here's some lame ass advice about life changes that might help. (Get a job seems to be popular. Which, yeah. Because I've chosen this life of glamorous unemployment). Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

And I just don't have the energy to fight back anymore. In any area of life: friends, family, dreams, jobs, health. I was running on empty when I moved out here and life since has just tapped my reserves. I just don't bounce back like I used to. I guess I should have had a better plan, or immediately made a better one when the latest round of things went to shit. But I am without inspiration.

Feh. Whiny!Post is whiny.