A Brief Open Letter to Adrien Brody

Upon watching "The Experiment":


Dear Adrien,


Hey pal, how's it going? That might seem like a casual question, but I'm beginning to get concerned.


You see, I'm rather fond of you.

You seem like a rather nice, sensitive, young man. I enjoy your films. I accept you in all your 999 glorious forms and visages:

But  there's a theme emerging. I think you know what I'm talking about.

You're a beautiful thing. So much to live for. So much to be happy about. So why do you keep taking films in which you, to put it delicately, have the holy living bejeebus knocked out of you?


Looking at your filmography, it's easy to start seeing the obvious trends. But there's some kinky ones that go above and beyond the usual. What's with the bondage? 

Bondage with assault and battery?

Bondage, a&b, and confinement in tiny, coffin like spaces? I mean, that's pretty specific, and it shows up in AT LEAST two of your films:

I don't want to do any armchair psychology here, but maybe something is upsetting you, and it's becoming apparent in your job performance? 


Look, if you are feeling upset, call me. I'll pick you up. We'll go somewhere quiet, and you can relax. You can talk to me. It's okay. Have a drink, sweetie. I promise, whatever it is, we can work it out.

ABrods, my sweetness, please heed this plea. You're not just hurting yourself. I'm not sure my heart can take much more of seeing you, to put it succinctly, having the ever living shit beaten out of you. So, if you can't get help for your own sake, do it for mine. I'm borderline myself, just ask around. Do you really want to have my suffering on your conscience? You're a smart fellow, and I hope this has given you something to reflect upon.

Rejoice, ABrods. You are child of the universe and made from magical stardust. You have amazing powers and can bring joy to the cosmos, if only you harness your energy for positive endeavors. Never forget, per this video evidence, you might actually be our Intergalactic Savior:


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ygI-2F8ApUM


Regards,


HF


(P.S. Not to contradict the above, by good on you with the CrazyAssEyes! in The Experiment. That part where you come round the corner to bash in that window--wow. I've known me some crazy in my time, and you, sir, nailed it in that scene.)