Frankenstein's Hot Date

~or~

The Perils of Postmodern Friends' Opinions About Your Dating Choices

So my friend Handy J has had some pretty interesting things to say about the kind of person he thinks I should be with.

Please note, these comments are not part of some ongoing dialogue about my desire to be with someone. It's usually in the middle of me having a very logical and valid opinion about a pertinent topic.* For some mysterious reason, my form of self expression elicits comments from HJ along the lines of "Holy crap. Whoever dates you is gonna have to be hella X and majorly Y."

X and Y are not usually adjectives that one would associate with the tender and romantic notions of courting. More like words connected to mixed martial arts cage fights.

BroFist: Because Hulk love means never having to pay your hospital bills.

So in the interests of silliness and tomfoolery, I convinced HJ to let me record his thoughts on this weighty subject. Please remember that what follows is in his words, verbatim. And so I give you

The Definitive Definition of My Perfect Mate, According to Handy J.

Tough: he should be able to restrain you in self defense

Looks: long dark hair. Big nose, pref hawkish. Sharp featured, not a broad face, a narrower face. Skinny. Knows how to dress appropriately for occasions.

Preferably Scottish  ( pref highland) or Irish.

Personality: very educated. More importantly, he should be smart. Well read. Passion for movies. Somber of demeanor, with a sense if humor for appropriate times.

Shadowy past that he doesn't like to talk about. Preferably with a little scar under his eye --- if you touch it he shies away from you.

Gifted lover. But when you ask him how he got the skills he won't say because he only has eyes for you.

Profession: lived an adventurous life. Made his fortune securing ancient artifacts, but not always on the up and up, but not morally decrepit. Comfortably retired.

About ten years older than you. Able to provide a firm but guiding hand.

This manages to be eerily accurate in some ways and completely loony in others. I was seriously laughing and having to take long pauses to collect myself during this wonderfully silly conversation. At one point I said, "This is a comic book character! Who is this? Wolverine wearing Indiana Jones' fedora and dressed like a ninja?"

That question spawned the summary of HJ's thesis:

If handy j could create him, he would be:
Richard Armitage with Indiana Jones' personality, James Bond's skills set, and Aragorn's mysterious past.

You guys, it was like a girl's slumber party up in the hizzy. Handy J should write cheezy romance novels. He is missing his calling.

I have the strong urge to editorialize this list (e.g. firm but guiding hand? Seriously?). But it's probably best just to let it stand, resplendent in its own majesty.

Comments on this post are keenly desired.

*Please note adjectives used in this sentence are subjective and relational to author. Other participants in aforementioned conversations may describe the author's demeanor and delivery in different terms.**

**If they dare.