I'm Trying Real Hard To Be The Shepherd

I'm not talking about how I really feel because there's nothing good to say. People aren't interested in how you feel when how you feel is nothing but negativity. They don't need that in their lives.

(if you doubt this, try listing off some of your darker thoughts to somebody and feel them close up like a flower, shrinking away from you)

I have bills I can't pay.

There are aspects of this job that actually will cost me money. Example: I don't get any benefits until I make it through three months. That's around Feb 2015. Meanwhile, having a job invalidates my current Health Care status (not that I've seen ANY benefits from that, but whatever). In order to get intermediary coverage I have to reapply. Last time it only took them around 8 months to process my application. See where this goes?

Added fun: still have a heap of expenses from my supposed "covered" period. Supposedly I can file to have these somewhat reimbursed. How? Well, that's a good question. Let me pull out one of the 10 or so acceptance/rejection letters and try that old contact number again that goes to the voicemail that is full.

Just an example. Just my life.

I take deep breaths and tell myself to just take it easy, that I'm blowing things out of perspective.

I'm exhausted, truly exhausted. I feel old and stupid. I can't tell if I'm making mistakes because I'm tired, because I'm old and slow, or because I'm completely stressed out. Guess it doesn't really matter when the results are the same.

I have new people in my life that are dancing on my last nerve, laughing in my face, and begging for me to tell them to Fuck Right Off. Overreaction? I keep telling myself that.

But what if the truth is that I'm just too old and tired to deal with this kind of bullshit?

But thoughts like that are self indulgent. So I'll suck it up, go somewhere and have somebody put their pansy ass little bad moods on me, try to stay unaffected, and maybe it won't all be so bad soon.

I try so hard to be mindful, to be objective, to see the other side, to be grateful.

But I'm tired, Ringo. I'm real tired.