Olympus Has Fallen

Imagine my surprise when the credits rolled and the director was Antoine Fuqua. I expect Fuqua to be uneven, maybe a little hammy/epic, but well shot and almost slavishly devoted to plot.

Or maybe I'm just talking outta my ass here. I'm probably at least partially conflating my expectations of Fuqua as a director with Gerard Butler as a producer/creative input.

See, I really enjoyed Law Abiding Citizen. I owned it. It was a comfort movie. Not a fall-asleep comfort movie, but one I would def watch on the regular couple times a year.

It was horrifically and viscerally violent in parts (dat opening scene), it also had lots of implied violence that was just as (if not more) disturbing. C'mon man, that scene where Clyde is calmly and cheerfully informing the rapist/murderer/pedophile(?) about how he's going to torture and dismember him and keep him conscious and looking in a mirror while it happens? That is some fucked up shit, man. Very disturbing. And well played.

Which is a long winded way of saying that I like violent movies, hell, I even like violent Gerry Butler movies, but I don't like Olympus Has Fallen. This is not the fun kind of violence. Which is a shame, because there's a shit ton of it. This movie had so many dead bodies as part of the interior and exterior props that I kept expecting Sheriff Rick to bust through bushes and lay six slugs from his heater into soon-to-be-zombies.

C'mon y'all: admit it. Rick is a Badass. And whoever has done the season branding and concept art totally has to be consulted if they ever do any film on the Dark Tower series. Fo realz.

There were some really good (and inexplicably unarmed) hand to hand combat scenes. They did a nice job with several of the Special Forces aspects, including knife defense and offense, tactical takedowns, and general gun competence. But, a lot of the action felt almost mean spirited. People were hurt excessively for no reason. I mean, they don't even make the evil guy a sadist or anything. They just need excuses to head tap or beat the shit out of anybody in the room who has a vagina. Am I supposed to be grateful because no one got raped?

And that's what I mean--lookit that thought right there. If a movie is entertaining me, I don't have time to draw that kind of conclusion. This movie, it gave me lots of time.

Gerry Butler is handsome and buff and skillful and manly and quippy and loves kids and he is completely wasted in this film. I'm not sure how Gerry was trying to play this. It's almost like he is doing a Mel Gibson/Lethal Weapon meets John McClane/Die Hard thing. And he doesn't realize that everyone else is in the Baysian Overkill Kablooey But Totes Serious Drama mode. Gerry's approach was too light hearted in the wrong places for a movie where not only to we get to see the killshots up close, we get to see the smear of blood left behind for the rest of the movie.

Gerry, you are better than this. You have your own charm. Don't conform to the blandness enforced by the rat bastards. You can act--I've seen it!

And just in case none of that was applicable and you were acting your heart out in that movie: stop fucking with your face, Gerry. I don't care if it's not technically surgery. Stop. It. Your face is fine. It's great. It's one of your most endearing features; don't pick at it.

Again---see? What kind of thought is that? How you gonna blow up the White House, BLOW IT UP, and me be over here thinking about Botox and the state of Gerry Butler's soul? It's your own damn fault, Olympus. You bring it on yourself.

It ain't just Gerry, though, to be fair. I'm pretty sure Dylan McDermott got tired of hearing, "Now we need you to literally snarl this line while you're waggling eyebrows here." I'm pretty sure they had to edit out most of Angela Bassett's takes because their genuineness clashed with the whole scene. Also pretty sure that Morgan Freeman will escalate to the Bitch Slap level rather than let you mis-direct his performance. Could be wrong.

Aaron Eckhart. Hmm. Okay, buddy. You're on the watchlist. In the past I would have scoffed at the mere thought, but that was before I, Frankenstein. New evidence has been brought to light, Dude. Watch yourself, Eckhart. Yes your a stupidly handsome blond--which is an accomplishment, in my book. However, you are still a blond. And you know for a fact that your nose rating is adversely affected by your chin/jaw ratio. And you're a blond. Which means, Mr. Eckhart, that you are not Required. We merely Tolerate you. And it would do you well not to fall out of Our favor. And no, We don't know why We are using the royal We now.

So, this has gone on far too long. The plot was ridiculous but not fun, grim but not realistic. The acting. . . was. Gerry Butler admittedly looked fine as hell and yes, I am always happy to see Ms. Bassett. But, the glibness, the disrespect you treat the subject matter with while offering nothing in return? You can't make that movie now. You can't show us our vulnerable underbelly and then try to soothe us with macho bullshit. That time has passed.

Furthermore, if you're gonna come at me like you are shooting at the White House, try building a set or five. Try not making your greenscreen so frickin obvious. And don't skimp on night effects just because the screen is darker. 

Wrong tone, wrong time. And a shame, because there was plenty of talent in front of and behind the cameras to make this collaboration something special.

Also wik, here is a delightful Q&A with cast from Walking Dead, addressing the Serious Issues.

*i was gonna put a disclaimer here about how the only reason i feel so free to glibly criticize like this is because there is absolutely zero possibility of this ever a) reaching or b) reaching and harming the critiqued. They will never see this. And if they did, would they really give a fuck what some loser on the interwebz thinks? It's almost unfathomable. But then i typed this instead.