Do You Carry Every Sadness With You?

Every hour your heart was broken?
Every night the fear and darkness lay down with you?

Well, I have yet another medical appt today. For this one I had to dig through my voluminous medical history file and pull out some stuff about past surgeries.

And there it is: a loose leaf novel tracing my pain over the years. On xeroxed duplicates, yellow carbon copies, endless transcription printouts, some fun full color photographs of the inside of my pelvis.

It's just. . . it's really sobering. Saddening. Disheartening. I think I've now spent more years of my life in pain than not. It sounds awfully dramatic, but it's taken me a long time to come to terms with the fact that what I'm dealing with is a chronic pain condition. Because it falls under the disdained and dismissed umbrella of "woman troubles" the message has mostly been "It doesn't count."

Or, "Just take it all out." Yup, female anatomy is disposable. Especially if you're not having kids, because what else could those parts be for? I just can't even go down that road right now because I will be filled with Black Rage.

I am so very tired of doctors. I'm tired of medical issues being one of the primary foci of my life. I'm tired of pleading my case.

But what I will never grow tired of is bringing Deep Hurting to unsuspecting trivia players. On my last night in town I joined my little brother's trivia group.

It was some really hard stuff. We were in 4th or 5th place by the final round. But we went all in. And then I redeemed myself by suggesting the right answer within 5 seconds and having my brother confirm it. It was one of those answers that I just pulled out of my ass. I still don't know why I said it, of all the guesses I could have made. But that is the awesome force that is the Fierce Family. If you have an ass, we will kick it!

M

My keen intellect can be inferred from my scratch pad during trivia:

I secretly believe it was the stick legged land shark doodle that gave us the mojo to win the game.