serenity now

Another hospital, another person in danger and in need of help. She asked me to come and there are people in need of support. It's all I have to offer.

Bonus: family that puts the Fucked in dysfunctional. For reals

Modified shiva has ended, and since I couldn't do it properly, I've decided to end with a mitzvah dedicated to Chris. I will try to emulate him and honor his belief that family is important. I will try to be helpful and supportive. I will try to let kindness and logic guide my actions, and ignore petty feelings and disturbances.

keeping track

--father getting initial check to see if he can get secondary check to determine if suspicious mass in lung is cancer FINALLY happening tomorrow

--cousin getting brain tumor removed, 22 yrs old. Jfc. Trip to SF.

--shiva continues with trip to SF as final mitzvah honoring uncle

--aunt seems to have no will to live, hanging on just barely, all by choice?

--meeting with agent tomorrow. How can i present my best, most special, dazzling, effervescent self when i look like the walking dead? my personality isn't exactly sparkling right now. but hey, that's why it's called acting. ha ha.

--bills bills bills

--finally caught up on S6 Walking Dead. Motherfucking Denny Duquette. Volatile. I love you, Rickle Pickle, you crazy eyed mofo.

--i'm getting too old for this shit.

i feel like i've aged three years in one morning

One of those days.

My life is underwhelming while overwhelming me in all the wrong ways.

there's gotta be a break in this action

A Silver Tear Appears, I'm Crying Ain't I?

Yesterday my Uncle Chris died.

It should have been no surprise that my bizzaro subconscious jukebox had me singing Carolina In My Mind today.

The first concert I ever went to was James Taylor. I was 12 or 13 and he took us kids--Uncle Chris thought it was important that we see live music.

I know he is more at peace now then perhaps he ever was in life.

I sang, with my stuffy nose and froggy voice, Fire and Rain and Carolina and dedicated them to him, in my heart.

Later in the night, I sang Carolina as a lullaby to a baby.

And in this way I will sit my solitary, queer shiva. No one will probably even notice. I'm not even sure how to do it.

Another bright light has been snuffed out and the sky is forever darker for it, the world forever less.

Ain't it just like a friend of mine, to hit me from behind?

what love can cost you

someone i love is dying. he has asked to be left alone.
no jumping in cars, catching flights, rushing to the scene
none of those things
if respecting his wishes is the right thing to do,
why does it feel so bad and wrong?

i wish i loved him less
and could selfishly be with him in an instant

love
for all its wonders, it can still exact a terrible toll

don't get any big ideas (blues)*

For somebody with
supposed and reasonable though really ougthen have been a bit bettered by now
fear of abandonment issues,

you sure do jump ship quick, buddy

How could you say you love me, claim to have ever felt a tender feeling towards me, if you would hurt me so

i know some of it you probably don't understand
but damnit you should ask
isn't this about being equals
about sharing equals
about caring equals
about how you and i and are gonna take care of each other?

couldn't i trust you to always be my friend? i've only spent a year pouring my heart out to you about how lost and vulnerable i am.

why would you say that to me if you didn't mean it? that wasn't fair

couldn't i trust you to always be my friend?

it's all good, you win
you tore ass so fast
i never got the chance to abandon you

i hope it makes you feel safe
cuz it makes me feel stiffed
like i had a line on something good for once
and Fate clocked me from behind
and i woke up having missed the ride

of a lifetime?

even then, couldn't i trust to you to always be my friend?

if we haven't had something here
something that can be explained by basic psychology
cold and concise
explained by basic biology
pheromones from white lab mice
something that could certainly be reduced to a crude, dispassionate, disinterested description

except i prefer the one they like to use in poems and songs so much
cuz i'm a sap

if i really even understand what the word love means

i looked into your eyes once and saw something like your soul

or else i'm just nuts
which is turning less unlikely by the crisis

my god if you changed your mind i understand why!

couldn't i trust you to to always be my friend?

*alternatley, I May Well Live To Regret This

does it ever end, should it?

another hospital

another clusterfuck of family dysfunctional dynamics
ith
another set of things i never needed to know

why is the right thing so hard, exhausting? is anything really ever the right choice?

so many people in need, so desperately, angry and hurt and shiiiit

i'm just so exhausted

every one is so exhausted
were can we recover
where can we find respite

and of course, who will care for me,

poorly, resentfully, erratically, unreliably, and with ever decreasing presence