If I Clean Your House, Please Don't Take Offense

For a few reasons:

1. It comes from a place of love. I can't cook, knit, sew, or build anything to contribute to the group. But cleaning is a skill you can learn, and when I put my mind to it I can clean pretty well. So that's what I can contribute to the cause. I do it to help out, not because I think you are dirty. I do it to give you one less thing to worry about. I do it for that great feeling of getting something done that you didn't have to do yourself. I do it to brighten your environment in a way you didn't expect.

It's all I can contribute. Please allow me.

2. For a little while, I get to distract myself from whatever is going on. It's usually when I'm alone, I pop in some headphones and go to town. Meditatioin.

3. My out of shape ass makes it an aerobic exercise. It's good for me. That's built in stress relief while achieving a measurable goal: mentally and physically healthy.

I'm not saying I do a perfect job. But I try to cover whatever I think is important for you. And I try to stay out of your personal stuff.

Controversial Opinion Piece

I'm just gonna say it: Dudes, a shop vac IS NOT an acceptable replacement for a conventional upright vacuum cleaner.

It's not. You are lying to yourself and others by spreading this disinformation.

If you have Carpet, you need a real (i.e. NON-shop) vacuum. I don't care how many horsepower/rpm/btu thingies you got on that shop vac---it doesn't work as well.

I don't care that you can vacuum up wet stuff. So what? I've done that with a regular vacuum. Newsflash: I misuse common household appliances and products. Damn straight I've run over some spilled water and sucked up some soggy napkins. Too much water for the vac? No problem--just means you need to wait a while for the water to dry on/soak in. Go take yourself a smoke break.

The shop vac cannot compete when it comes to cleaning fibers. The lack of a motorized brush head along with the suction differential at the floor height means the shop vac will never, NEVER, be as efficient as an upright at cleaning carpets.

THIS IS SCIENCE. DOMESTIC SCIENCE.

It can literally take up to five times as long to clean an area with a shop vac as it does an up right. And I'm not talking just time here, but actual labor. You got to get your back into it with a shop vac; gotta scrub that floor like your brushing some teeth! That apron ain't staying pretty for this!

Literally five times as much work. I can say this because I literally just did 5 times as much work vacuuming a small area. I was freaking out of breath at the end of it. From vacuuming. My arm is still burning. This is both embarrassing and vexing.

SHOP VACS: THEY ARE SO NOT THE SAME THING

When I Awoke At 4:30 a.m. I Thought. . .

. . . that I should get out of bed and just get all my chores done.

So, when I finally got out of bed between 7 and 8, I thought: Okay, I can get all of my chores done this morning.

After some morning staggering around and cruising the net (always a bad idea, always) and reasoned by 11:00 at the latest, I could get it all done. Then I looked at my clock.

10:12 am.

Whoops.

Well, I'm here to report that at 11:22 am the majority of my chores were done. Aided greatly by doing piecemeal chores in the two days leading up and my Hall & Oates Pandora station.

The H&O station was a little off, thematically, but it played several awesome songs in a row, which makes it all okay. For now.

I closed out with "Eye of the Tiger" and we just hit H&O gold: "She's Gone." This is possibly the greatest video ever. Penguin hand guitar. Devils. Bad lip syncing.

Get it? He'd pay the devil to replace her. Get it? I'm pretty convinced if I ever shot a video it would look like this.

Among the awesome songs shuffled through was "Miss You" by the Rolling Stones. Familiar with it? If you are like me, that song has been a part of your life so long that you don't even know the lyrics. Like, you sing along with Jagger's mushmouth ultra-twang, but you probably haven't stopped to consider what the song is about, how unique it sounds, etc. Sometimes you don't even realize you are singing along. Let's call it the R.E.M phenomenon (LEONARD BERNSTEIN!).

Here's the video if you need a refresher. If you aren't familiar with this song, I don't know if you would find this funny.

I will forever associate this song with my two friends, J-Dog and tink. It helps remind me that normal is totally relative.

J and I are in the front seat, J's driving, and tink is chilling in the back. We are all in town for holidays or something. "Miss You" comes on the radio and, rather unconsciously I think, J and I start singing the parts we know. Please note, this is first time I've ever looked up these lyrics.

Mumble hum
Mumble hum blah
(Lord/Mumble/Gibberish) I miss you 
Something something phone
Mumble something
Something hum
mumble something something you


Oooh oooh oooh oooh
Oooh oooh oooh oooh
Oooh oooh oooh

I think that might have been the part that led tink to lean forward to catch the song. If you think about it, synchronized Ooooohs are prolly pretty weird sounding with no context.

Mumble mumble
lots of humming
Making shit up
Blah blah something, humming for a while

When the phone rings

It's just a friend of mine that say
"Hey, what's the matter, man?
We're gonna come around at twelve
With some Puerto Rican girls that are just DYING' to MEET YOU
We're gonna bring a case of wine
Hey, let's go mess and fool around
You know, like we USED to"

Now, bless her, tink managed to make it through that outburst without saying anything. Oblivious in the front seat, J and I continue our scattered hum along, until we reach the next good part.

I've been walking in Central Park
Singing after dark
(creepy whisper) People think I'm crazy
Stumbling on my feet
Shuffling through the street
Asking people, "What's the matter WICHOO, boy?"
Sometimes I want to say to, to myself
Sometimes I say

Imagine two people just bust that out. You can't really hear the song, aren't familiar with it, and your friends seem to singing some ode to Puerto Ricans and repetitive nonsense sound. I think, fairly, tink had enough and demanded, "What the HELL is this song?"

I don't think J and I fully appreciated how confusing the whole thing was. If I recall correctly, we finished out the song. With profound shit, like

Oooh oooh oooh oooh
Oooh oooh oooh oooh
Oooh oooh oooh

Aaah aaah aaah aaah
Aaah aaah aaah aaah
Aaah aaah aaah

Lord, I miss you child

It was a small moment. You probably had to be there. It makes me smile.

ETA: Just watched the beginning of that Stones video. Holy crap, y'all. I think I know where Ted Levine got his inspiration for the Buffalo Bill dance scene. My mind. It is blown.

You Got To Be A Stupid MoFo To Get Hired On Your Day Off

When I rolled into town for some holiday visiting, I had no idea I would end up with a legit job. It's beyond legit, it's ridiculously tailored to my state of affairs, health, etc.

My help is desired, but my presence in not required. Not yet anyways. You can't ask for much more than that.

And I owe a debt of gratitude to my awesome big brother and leetle sister, who have made it possible for me to stay somewhere for free.

The strangest part is that where I'm staying is my old apartment, in my old room, with my bro as a roommate. Just like before I moved.

There is still my box of dusty painting supplies stored over the washing machine. There's still some wrapping paper I used to use.

Even if something is new or moved to a different place, I can find it in just a few moments.

I've never gotten the chance to return to a place I've lived in and find it still intact. I have driven by houses with new occupants, down streets that had changed.

I've stood in the woods and looked at the 2x4 beams jutting up from the ground, the wreckage of what was once a home. Now another spot among the trees, with random pieces jutting up from the ground, slowly losing the fight against nature.

So to come here, this unlikely little apartment, and see all the things I left behind. Tis passing strange, indeed.

I don't belong here anymore. That's what the familiarity makes me realize. There is no space I fit. But I can navigate it. I can tread water here, maybe I can even ride a current or two.

The sunset cast a deep, true pink across the dappled clouds. Blending into the softest grey that was almost white. The breeze was almost undetectable. The dog barked and stopped to watch me watch the sky.

It has been so lovely to see the stars again. So lovely to see the moon. I look up and my constant companions are above me.

A Note On Commenting

I think I have adjusted my settings so that ANYONE can comment now. You don't have to have a gmail account or whatever the hell else it asks you for.

You should be able to choose "anonymous" as a profile option, and post there.

I would appreciate if somebody would test this out.