man in a suitcase returns home, apocalypse expected

sometimes i feel like i need to barf up or slough off the bad energy i've been around.

that sounds totally CA woo-woo, but let me give you an example: spending time with an extremely dysfuntctional family who are fighting while a young woman is getting brain surgery. for tumors.


so, yeah, i wish i could rinse away the residue of that


Positive Aspect: Cousin made in thru surgery, initial stuff looks good. Hopefully she is on road to recovery.

And with that, off to watch season premiere of Walking Dead.

I'm pretty sure that if they deface my boo, I will be done with the show for life. I got enough stress without worrying about Rickle Pickle all the time. He's my totem animal. I need him to be okay.

PS---SFO to LAX, by ground, in 5.5 hours. Personal best of my N-S trips lately. And I didn't even leave until 12:22 pm. Basically I folded space time.

A Quick Guide For Driving On The Interstate

Louisiana may be a pit of bottomless despair littered with the broken dreams of the unfortunate. Or it could be a great place.

One thing that is not in contention are the state mandated rules for highway driving. Namely, Louisiana has mandated that "The Left Lane Is For Passing Only."

This is common freeway/highway/interstate etiquette: traffic should flow in the right hand lane, with the left hand lane left open for passing. The left hand lane should also be used whenever there are people/vehicles on the right shoulder. It's pretty cool that LA has gone to the trouble of making it a legal requirement as well as posted plenty of signage about it. Good form, you drunken swamp rats.

However, my travels today reveal that many people seem to be confused about the proper use of our beloved interstates--specifically, which lane they should be in. I've compiled a list of helpful hints.

If you are being passed by vehicles to your right, GET IN THE RIGHT-HAND LANE, MOTHERFUCKER.

If you are towing a trailer, U-Haul, horses, or your home, GET IN THE RIGHT-HAND LANE, MOTHERFUCKER.

If there is a line of cars behind you and a rig/18 wheeler to your right, GET IN THE RIGHT-HAND LANE, MOTHERFUCKER.

If the person behind you has begun slamming their head against the steering wheel while you putter between 1 mile over and 5 miles under the speed limit, GET IN THE RIGHT-HAND LANE, MOTHERFUCKER.

If you find yourself on the interstate for any reason, GET IN THE RIGHT-HAND LANE, MOTHERFUCKER.

Thank you and jah bless.

My Deficiencies Are Many, My Advantages Few

For fuck's sake. I can't keep up with anything, and I'm on fucking vacation. Here's some stuff that happened, may my idiocy serve as a lesson learned for the rest of whoever.

• Hitting black ice at 70-80mph is a surprisingly exanimate experience. 
• 36 hours is way too long to be driving. Really. And probably most people shouldn't take more than one 5 hour energy drink per 12 hours. And it still won't stop your eyes from rolling back in your head. Coast to coast driving: just say no.
• I haven't gotten any speeding tickets while intentionally exceeding the limit. I did get one today on an infamous local road, not even trying to speed, with my mind on the best place to stop for soda on the way to work.
• Yeah, work. Who goes on vacation and gets a job? Se moi. No one in SoCal will look at me cross eyed. Within three days of arriving Eastland, two job offers. 
• In terms of family, I've an embarassment of riches. I often feel obligated to share my family with others, who have less/different/uncomfortable. Not because I want to, but because I feel that it's selfish to keep such things to myself.
• A 3 year got to first base with me. Even the children know I'm an easy mark.
• Two adorable little boys sat on either knee to listen to a story. I felt a great deal of love and comfort in that moment. It's nice not always having to play the heavy.
• I'm still unsure if it's healthy acceptance or dysfunctional apathy. 
• Some people get hurt beyond anyone's ability to comfort. Nowadays I try to talk less, shut up a lot more, and hope that does something.
• It's never safe to relax.
• The effort to prevent my medically induced Hulk-Outs may be turning me into a Vulcan. But without the math skills.
• How can you have a set of Bible trivia questions and not ask about the apocalypse? C'mon man. . . cut a brother some slack.
• On that note, next week has an American Serial Killers round. Failure to perform in this area ends in seppuku. (hah, totally spelled that right on the first try)
• Small towns are small towns. You know everybody, even if you think you don't.
• I categorically reject this head cold. 
• Due to a woeful lack of evidence, I increasingly suspect that justice is an entirely human construct and it is only our perceptions that lend any flavor of karmic balance to life.
• I terrified someone the other day. I wasn't doing anything I considered dangerous--I specifically would not have engaged in the action if I perceived danger. But I know too well the nail biting angst of watching someone endanger themselves. Upon realizing the situation, I stopped immediately. This story involves a pit bull.
• I like doggies and kitties.
• I like other people's children.
• I am so fucking tired. So very, very tired. I don't know how to fix it. I don't know what to do. I will just keep moving and hope inspiration strikes.
• Much to my surprise, we seem to be extending the No Fucks Given tour into the holiday season. This will either be glorious or disastrous. So until further advised, No Kosher Fucks Merrily Given is in effect.
• How do you get a nun pregnant?
• Dress her up as a choir boy.
• My backlog of bad movies to watch is getting alarming. Also, even my beloved Sam Waterston couldn't save Capricorn One. I'm probably going to hell for the O.J. jokes I made while watching it. But it evens out because it was so bad it killed off some of my precious few remaining brain cells.
• GODFUCKINGDAMNIT. This is a vexing development.
•  It's indescribably lovely to have people genuinely excited and pleased to see you.
• I loves my Bef. And Mini-Bef. And Dirty Bertie Jr and Sr.
• Dear Windows: PLEASE STOP "HELPING" AND "IMPROVING" YOUR O/S. BECAUSE IT ACTUALLY DOESN'T HELP. IRONIC, ISN'T IT? SO EFF WINDOWS 8.SHITE. REALLY. YOU EVEN FUCKED UP CONTROL PANEL? FUCKING WINDOWS DESIGN TEAM: HOW DOES THEY WORK?
• That Ancient Aliens shit hurts me in my logic. I'm all like:

Here's to keeping up the streak!

Goodnight all you beautiful creatures.

Labor Day Weekend at the Cats, part the first

11:36 AM to 4:49 PM

344 miles

Trip time: 5 hours, 13 minutes

This angers me, as it is over Google Maps estimated time. And I was hauling ass   driving quite well.

Also: this is a silly place.

Suck It In, Suck It In, If You're Rin Tin Tin or Anne Boleyn

Update post will be updatey as well as rando.

I got lots of awesome birthday wishes and even a few gifts (!) including some financial donations to the Hawkeye Fierce Fund For the Perpetually Underemployed and Delirious. It's a niche market.

The deliciousness of this cupcake has been summed up thusly: If Richard Armitage were a cupcake, he would taste like this.

Keeping it classy, classy, classy.

 Made some last minute 4th of July plans and headed north to visit. I was greeted at the door by tink, who was brandishing a foam sword.

Me: Hi.
Tink: We have a situation.
Me: Okay.
Tink: There's a rat in the house.
Me: Is that why you have a sword?
Tink: Yes.

The seriousness of the situation became apparent as I entered the den.

You can only hide for so long. Or so we thought.

This is the point where I was army crawling across the floor while tink and Panda played goalie.

Despite the strategic placing of food trails and some very vigorous furniture rearranging, Raticus eluded us. We eventually gave up and sat down to watch So You Think You Can Dance?

Little did we know that Raticus was a modern ballet/cha-cha fan.

During some commercial, I casually glance behind us. . .

Erh

Meh

GERD!!!!!!!!!

After some more inept bumbling, Raticus had enough and finally fled out one of the open doors.

I love you, Raticus.

There's a bit of a sea change going on in my life right now. At least it feels like that to me. Me hopping in a car and zipping up to see my friends (and only spending 45 minutes packing) is Not Quite The Norm.

I recognized this and took this christening photo to commemorate the moment.

Guess what is absolutely not being given in this photo?

That's right. It's the beginning of the NFG* Tour. Lookout!

*No Fucks Given, a Division of Look At All The Fucks I Give, not formally associated with the Fuck It Dude, Let's Go Bowling corp.

If You Have An Ass, I Will Haul It

Departure -- 10:24 am
Arrival -- 3:43 pm