Things That Would Be Nice

Having more than $12 in the bank and not having to worry about all the bills that are due due due.

Not having to borrow money from my financially strapped relatives.

Not having my financially strapped relatives run out of money to lend me.

Not needing money.

Having some entity think I was worth some kind of decent wage.

Being able to support myself.

Not breaking into a full body sweat every time I move more than the bare minimum. For example, today I broke into a flop sweat by walking to the washing machine and putting in my clothes. That was 10 minutes ago. I'm still sweating. At least my elbows have stopped perspiring at this point.

Not being such a fat fuck. Or even having my eating and activity habits have any effect on my body other than for me to get fatter.

Did I mention the early onset menopausal sweating?

Getting to have a period without nauseating and crippling pain.

Not spending a significant portion of my time trying to plan around the pain, mitigate the pain, etc ad naueseum.

Not having dreams that are so obviously unattainable. Not wanting things I will never, ever have.

Not being aware of all the things someone like me will never have.

Not being a complete and total failure.

Not being exhausted, defeated, sad,  and miserable.

**********

You know, it's been a couple of pretty difficult years now. I've tried to stay positive, I've tried to find beauty and joy in the world. But the world doesn't seem very interested in showing me anything but shit. Maybe I just haven't tried hard enough. Maybe I'm just too lazy or spoiled or stupid or ungrateful.

Things can't be bad all the time. It's got to get better eventually. But when is eventually? When does something break in your favor? What if it never happens? What if this is the best chance you get? What if you can never climb out of the hole?

I'm pretty sure this all my fault, somehow. But I don't know how to make any of it better. How could I have fucked things up so irretrievably? It doesn't seem possible to have that much impact negatively but no balancing ability to effect positive change.

Life can be stupid, pointless, and painfully unhappy. But does it have to be all three at once?

i wish i could turn into a bird and fly far, far away from here