no1 currr

Well, yesterday was probably the worst I've felt about myself in some time. Dark night of the soul and all that.

I never quite pulled myself out of it, but I did manage to get my room rearranged. Again. Now I just have to make myself go through the pile of paperwork that has been accumulating for...oh, i don't know....a year now?

When I get like this I think it's best for me to be by myself. I'm not very good company and people probably shouldn't be around me. I don't really have that luxury these days--being alone. The results aren't pretty. I'm trying not to be a total downer, but I suspect this is making the whole cycle last longer. Like I can't get it out of my system properly.

One of the problems with being caught in a down cycle is that you begin to suspect that your negative thoughts aren't actually negative, they are just accurate. Like maybe you've been fooling yourself this whole time and the truth is this painful reality you now find yourself in. I am not even going to rewrite that sentence to avoid ending in a preposition.

So, maybe you really do suck. Maybe you have no worth as a human being. Maybe you've just been kidding yourself and all the horrible things you think are true. It's pretty easy to find evidence to support this conclusion. The most outlandish assertions start to seem plausible. Like so many things in life, if you look for shit you will find it. In abundance. There is shit everywhere, all over everything.

I guess what I mean is that there will always be plenty of reasons to feel butthurt about life. It's dangerous to start thinking that way, mainly because it's hard to stop thinking that way.

*sigh*

I wonder if all hypersensitive people feel a profound lack of reciprocity in their lives. This is why somebody need to create a pill that removes your ability to give any fucks, whatsoever. Fuck all this prozac and nerve pills and booze or whatever. Pop open a cold can of Who Gives A Shit and watch your day improve.

I wish.

Maybe tomorrow will be better and I won't feel so sad and hopeless. Now is probably not a good time to list all the ways people have let me know that I suck lately. Nor would it be prudent to talk about how my friends' unhappiness bleeds all over me. It's probably all in my head, anyway.

I really don't want to mess with that paperwork. There are bills in there. Bills I can't pay. Yuck.

Handy J analyzed my dream from yesterday and concluded that the Passport was the key part. It represented my intense desire to run away. From life. Don't you always feel so dumb when you tell your dream to someone and they point out some obvious symbolism that you totally missed?

The Walking Dead is back on. It's recorded and I hope we can watch it today. My cable box has been broken since I got back, so any tv needs are being routed through the roomies big ass tv in the living room. It's got a really nice picture. But there's not room for any of my stuff on there. I did just find some shows online, so I can catch up on The Blacklist on my computer.

Anybody else watching that show? Spader is pretty awesome. I like how he's truly a bad guy who does bad things, they don't flinch away from that. But the FBI in that show? They are like The Worst FBI. Ever. They suck. They don't follow any kind of discernible protocol and they bungle just about every damn thing they do. I'm sort of embarassed for them.

I mean, Spader's character can still be cool and influential without making the task force look like Keystone Cops. Lazy writing. Laaaaaaaaaaaaaazy. The entire premise is out there, so it probably seems like I am nitpicking about the Feds. But seriously, they are so inept. So very. The mind boggles.

But the cinematography is very nice and the music is fookin erhsome. James Spader manages to be eating in almost every scene he's in, saucy little imp that he is.