Here's A Moment

I've been out all day and just got home. There is an offer of employment sitting in my inbox. Haven't read it yet.

I bet the Germans have a word for the apprehension of disappointment coupled with the resignation of acceptance.

I don't even want to look at the damn thing. But it will ease my mind to some degree.

In any event, looks like I have to go shopping. I hate shopping for pants. And shirts.

It's been a while since I had to look presentable.

Edit:

This is the part where I sound ungrateful.

Well, the offer is around ~18% less than I was making when I moved here (my initial salary here was actually a little shy of me being able to completely support myself). After only 120 days of employment, I am eligible for unspecified health benefits and the ability to accrue up to 5 whole days a year in sick leave. The hourly rate is $4.04 more than I was making on my last job (for a friend) in Panama City.

Yesterday I met a former lawyer (they're fucking everywhere) who moved to SoCal six weeks ago. He has already booked two jobs, attends classes, and goes on auditions almost daily.

fuck my stupid life

fuck it fuck it fuck it

Have You Found Yourself Saying "Bananas" Lately?

I've found myself using the word "bananas" as slang for crazy or over the top lately. I'm assuming I picked it up somewhere, maybe online? Since I caught myself saying it, I've noticed it being typed/said quite a bit.

Now, this may be a case of "you always see what you look for." But I can't help but feel that somehow "bananas" is part of some language virus that's spreading. Like douchebag.

Unexpected Phone Interview

There is nothing like being loopy and totally unprepared for a phone interview. Cheese and rice, that was stressful.

And he was a lawyer. Normally, I'd be ready to go. But I am not myself today and having some congestion medication loopiness. Took stuff this morning because, I foolishly thought, "I got nothing going on today. Don't even have to drive anywhere."

Ha ha. Handy J needs a ride to work after all. Lawyer calls to grill me. Yikes.

Also unexpected: landing an interview from this phone call. I have to go buy some kinda suit for my fat ass. Yuck.

While this is good news, in a sense, it's mostly filling me with an unspecified dread. This is a real job, not something I can just screw off and do. I will have to learn stuff.

I obvs need to do this, because financial reasons. Furthermore, I should probably give up the ghost on any of my dreams and start getting real about my future.

I've had all this time to make something happen and I haven't. Doesn't that mean it will never happen? Maybe I'm not hungry enough. Maybe I didn't try hard enough? I am not sure what to do even now, so I think that's probably a given. Maybe I just didn't have what it takes to really go for it.

Today's Morning Grumpus

Get rid of the six foot table, printer, and stack of papers in the hallway: nobody notices.

Leave a Costco bag half full of clothes in the living room: everybody comments.

That about sums it up. Now, off to screw with the cable box. Again.

That Was Worth It

The tile is brought to you by Sarcasm.

Finally made it to the "mental health" facility that took a month to get into.

This was strictly an "intake" appointment--no doctor consultation, no prescription refills.

After waiting 45 minutes due to server problems (why do server problems delay a face to face meeting? I don't know), I met with two different girls. The first was all paperwork. The second was more paperwork and a few questions.

It's always lovely to be asked to open up about your personal details to someone with a clipboard. It really makes you feel heard, recognized.

After about 5 minutes of questions I was told that I didn't qualify for any of their counseling programs. Apparently, I am too mentally healthy to make the grade. Interesting.

I was then told that since I didn't qualify for counseling, that I couldn't get any medication from that service. Better and better.

So, I don't get to see a counselor, I don't get to see a doctor, and I'm SOL on medication refills.

Guess it's a good thing I went ahead and weaned myself off a few weeks back, sensing that a gap in availability was forthcoming.

In truth, I've been dicked over so many times while I was paying for services that I'm used to it. It's not a crushing blow to have "free" services turn out to be a wash.

I promise to do many huge happy fun time posts as soon as something positive happens. Until then, feel free to keep ignoring these posts.

no1 currr

Well, yesterday was probably the worst I've felt about myself in some time. Dark night of the soul and all that.

I never quite pulled myself out of it, but I did manage to get my room rearranged. Again. Now I just have to make myself go through the pile of paperwork that has been accumulating for...oh, i don't know....a year now?

When I get like this I think it's best for me to be by myself. I'm not very good company and people probably shouldn't be around me. I don't really have that luxury these days--being alone. The results aren't pretty. I'm trying not to be a total downer, but I suspect this is making the whole cycle last longer. Like I can't get it out of my system properly.

One of the problems with being caught in a down cycle is that you begin to suspect that your negative thoughts aren't actually negative, they are just accurate. Like maybe you've been fooling yourself this whole time and the truth is this painful reality you now find yourself in. I am not even going to rewrite that sentence to avoid ending in a preposition.

So, maybe you really do suck. Maybe you have no worth as a human being. Maybe you've just been kidding yourself and all the horrible things you think are true. It's pretty easy to find evidence to support this conclusion. The most outlandish assertions start to seem plausible. Like so many things in life, if you look for shit you will find it. In abundance. There is shit everywhere, all over everything.

I guess what I mean is that there will always be plenty of reasons to feel butthurt about life. It's dangerous to start thinking that way, mainly because it's hard to stop thinking that way.

*sigh*

I wonder if all hypersensitive people feel a profound lack of reciprocity in their lives. This is why somebody need to create a pill that removes your ability to give any fucks, whatsoever. Fuck all this prozac and nerve pills and booze or whatever. Pop open a cold can of Who Gives A Shit and watch your day improve.

I wish.

Maybe tomorrow will be better and I won't feel so sad and hopeless. Now is probably not a good time to list all the ways people have let me know that I suck lately. Nor would it be prudent to talk about how my friends' unhappiness bleeds all over me. It's probably all in my head, anyway.

I really don't want to mess with that paperwork. There are bills in there. Bills I can't pay. Yuck.

Handy J analyzed my dream from yesterday and concluded that the Passport was the key part. It represented my intense desire to run away. From life. Don't you always feel so dumb when you tell your dream to someone and they point out some obvious symbolism that you totally missed?

The Walking Dead is back on. It's recorded and I hope we can watch it today. My cable box has been broken since I got back, so any tv needs are being routed through the roomies big ass tv in the living room. It's got a really nice picture. But there's not room for any of my stuff on there. I did just find some shows online, so I can catch up on The Blacklist on my computer.

Anybody else watching that show? Spader is pretty awesome. I like how he's truly a bad guy who does bad things, they don't flinch away from that. But the FBI in that show? They are like The Worst FBI. Ever. They suck. They don't follow any kind of discernible protocol and they bungle just about every damn thing they do. I'm sort of embarassed for them.

I mean, Spader's character can still be cool and influential without making the task force look like Keystone Cops. Lazy writing. Laaaaaaaaaaaaaazy. The entire premise is out there, so it probably seems like I am nitpicking about the Feds. But seriously, they are so inept. So very. The mind boggles.

But the cinematography is very nice and the music is fookin erhsome. James Spader manages to be eating in almost every scene he's in, saucy little imp that he is.

Things That Would Be Nice

Having more than $12 in the bank and not having to worry about all the bills that are due due due.

Not having to borrow money from my financially strapped relatives.

Not having my financially strapped relatives run out of money to lend me.

Not needing money.

Having some entity think I was worth some kind of decent wage.

Being able to support myself.

Not breaking into a full body sweat every time I move more than the bare minimum. For example, today I broke into a flop sweat by walking to the washing machine and putting in my clothes. That was 10 minutes ago. I'm still sweating. At least my elbows have stopped perspiring at this point.

Not being such a fat fuck. Or even having my eating and activity habits have any effect on my body other than for me to get fatter.

Did I mention the early onset menopausal sweating?

Getting to have a period without nauseating and crippling pain.

Not spending a significant portion of my time trying to plan around the pain, mitigate the pain, etc ad naueseum.

Not having dreams that are so obviously unattainable. Not wanting things I will never, ever have.

Not being aware of all the things someone like me will never have.

Not being a complete and total failure.

Not being exhausted, defeated, sad,  and miserable.

**********

You know, it's been a couple of pretty difficult years now. I've tried to stay positive, I've tried to find beauty and joy in the world. But the world doesn't seem very interested in showing me anything but shit. Maybe I just haven't tried hard enough. Maybe I'm just too lazy or spoiled or stupid or ungrateful.

Things can't be bad all the time. It's got to get better eventually. But when is eventually? When does something break in your favor? What if it never happens? What if this is the best chance you get? What if you can never climb out of the hole?

I'm pretty sure this all my fault, somehow. But I don't know how to make any of it better. How could I have fucked things up so irretrievably? It doesn't seem possible to have that much impact negatively but no balancing ability to effect positive change.

Life can be stupid, pointless, and painfully unhappy. But does it have to be all three at once?

i wish i could turn into a bird and fly far, far away from here