I've told everyone I'm on funky meds, that I'm short tempered, that I'm having a hard time keeping a lid on it.
No one acknowledges, gives credit.
They pride themselves on how careful they are with you, what eggshells they walk on. They have no idea of how much of your life you have spent not saying anything, because you are considered devastating.
No one treats you like you are devastating until they feel guilty.
They don't tread with caution. They don't give credence to your statements. Is it because you are not yelling? Is it because you try to maintain politeness even when being provoked?
And when you do react, when you step away, take a breath, make an emotional statement - it is a set up. You are over reacting by reacting at all.
No one allows you to be angry.
Even if you aren't just angry. Even if you're hurt. Even if your expression of anger is to leave quietly, asking nothing of anyone, apologizing for your state.
Because any reaction equals anger? Because your anger is so terrible it's unfair to visit it on anyone? Because you aren't the only one in this state?
And then your reward comes. It's not just the reward for this moment of adult behavior and repression of homicidal rage. It's the reward for being the wailing wall, being the sin eater. It's your reward for listening, acknowledging being cautious, holding in the modes of expression that would upset others.
And your reward is that you now get to facilitate communciation with the very people you don't want to speak to. You comfort the people that yelled at you, attacked you, caused you discomfort.
That is your lot in ife. This is what you get for being transparent, for trying to share information, for reaching out, for listening.
And on the day wherein they were once again bestowed with the ability to NGAF, there was much mellow.
And of course, everything's fine. Because you make i tthat way.
My relationship with Life:
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| I'm the Universe. |
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| Getting real sick of your shit, Cosmos. Sit and spin. |
*walks up to babby, gives her a long drawn out hug until her muscles relax, hands her a cookie* http://tinyurl.com/m6rxt4k
ReplyDeleteLove ya, H-Bomb.
LinLin
Some days I find it harder than others to keep my mouth shut and not tell every single living soul within a ten mile radius to fuck off.
ReplyDeleteBut i don't.
I don't because if I were to let that out it would cause things i don't need in my life. Problems that I can't deal with right now.
So I let it burble out from time to time and take deep breaths count them off one two three. Walk out the door and go for a drive. Maybe a walk, but stay as far from human contact as possible.
The worst is when you tell someone you feel alone when they're right there next to you or that no one lets you talk.