Too Many Emotions

Sometime in the next few weeks, maybe this week, the plans will be finalized for the visit to my uncle. He's stingy with actual info, but to the best of our abilities, we reckon the end is drawing near.

I'm sitting hear trying to think of a non corny way of saying it, but there's just so many ways to talk about the fact that someone is dying.

I will spend an egregious amount of money (on a credit card.....hahaha) on a last minute plane fare.

I will fly out to see my uncle and cousins for two days. I will fly back in on a Monday and go to my first ever acting class that I signed up for. I just read some reviews today that say the teacher is a major confrontational jackass. I hope not. Especially not if the first day of class is the day I fly back. I don't think I'll be in the right frame of mind. To not punch people who annoy me.

I will fly back here and not get to see the rest of my family in that state, not get to consult with my parents and siblings, not get to be there for my moo, etc.

It's like flying in for all the stress and then zipping back home for more stress, no bennies.

I will be alone in my grief, again. I don't know why that bothers me more this time---normally I prefer to grieve alone.

But there's just been so much bad news for so long. I'm sad and tired. I'm turning into a bitter person, to my horror.

I'm probably just thinking about this all wrong. It's probably not as bad as it seems. I mean, its obviously bad.

But how do you stop being in crisis mode when life is just a series of crises? I think you have to decide to not be in crisis, maybe? Blah blah perception shapes your reality feelingsorryformyselfcakes.