Frankenstein's Hot Date

~or~

The Perils of Postmodern Friends' Opinions About Your Dating Choices

So my friend Handy J has had some pretty interesting things to say about the kind of person he thinks I should be with.

Please note, these comments are not part of some ongoing dialogue about my desire to be with someone. It's usually in the middle of me having a very logical and valid opinion about a pertinent topic.* For some mysterious reason, my form of self expression elicits comments from HJ along the lines of "Holy crap. Whoever dates you is gonna have to be hella X and majorly Y."

X and Y are not usually adjectives that one would associate with the tender and romantic notions of courting. More like words connected to mixed martial arts cage fights.

BroFist: Because Hulk love means never having to pay your hospital bills.

So in the interests of silliness and tomfoolery, I convinced HJ to let me record his thoughts on this weighty subject. Please remember that what follows is in his words, verbatim. And so I give you

The Definitive Definition of My Perfect Mate, According to Handy J.

Tough: he should be able to restrain you in self defense

Looks: long dark hair. Big nose, pref hawkish. Sharp featured, not a broad face, a narrower face. Skinny. Knows how to dress appropriately for occasions.

Preferably Scottish  ( pref highland) or Irish.

Personality: very educated. More importantly, he should be smart. Well read. Passion for movies. Somber of demeanor, with a sense if humor for appropriate times.

Shadowy past that he doesn't like to talk about. Preferably with a little scar under his eye --- if you touch it he shies away from you.

Gifted lover. But when you ask him how he got the skills he won't say because he only has eyes for you.

Profession: lived an adventurous life. Made his fortune securing ancient artifacts, but not always on the up and up, but not morally decrepit. Comfortably retired.

About ten years older than you. Able to provide a firm but guiding hand.

This manages to be eerily accurate in some ways and completely loony in others. I was seriously laughing and having to take long pauses to collect myself during this wonderfully silly conversation. At one point I said, "This is a comic book character! Who is this? Wolverine wearing Indiana Jones' fedora and dressed like a ninja?"

That question spawned the summary of HJ's thesis:

If handy j could create him, he would be:
Richard Armitage with Indiana Jones' personality, James Bond's skills set, and Aragorn's mysterious past.

You guys, it was like a girl's slumber party up in the hizzy. Handy J should write cheezy romance novels. He is missing his calling.

I have the strong urge to editorialize this list (e.g. firm but guiding hand? Seriously?). But it's probably best just to let it stand, resplendent in its own majesty.

Comments on this post are keenly desired.

*Please note adjectives used in this sentence are subjective and relational to author. Other participants in aforementioned conversations may describe the author's demeanor and delivery in different terms.**

**If they dare.

Physical And Mental Feelings: A Post About "Healthcare" Treatment

So, regular visit to doctor to stick needles in stomach, talk about medicine doses, blah blah theusualcakes.

I bring up, for the second time, that I am still having severe pain. I ask "Will this ever go away?"

He says, "Well, when you reach menopause."

From there he went on to reiterate that I didn't need any of my old pain meds because they just "trick my brain." I just need to quintuple my dose of the pills that make me moronic and take megadoses of the $300/bottle ibuprofen. Because that's been sooooo very helpful so far.

I got home, Handy J asked me how my appt went. It wasn't until then that I realized what that asshole said.

He says, "Well, when you reach menopause."

Suddenly, I feel:

Stabbity

Bitch slappity

Chair smashity

And it's really sad. Because that just makes me a Mad Panda.

It would seem I have no recourse. The pills that work are the ones he doesn't want me on (why?) and I don't have the money to bounce around looking for further answers. I don't think he's inept, I just think he's wrong.

Now excuse me while I go ingest tons of meds that make me stupider and hurt my liver but just don't quite seem to ease the pain.

Sleep well while you can, white men. Your cracker-ass days are numbered.

Haaaaaaandbaaaaaagg?

So, hanging with Tink and Panda. Usual silliness ensues. Let me show you it, won't you?

my emotions must be expressed

Unlike recent trips anywhere, I don't have to worry about coming back and finding my house broken into. This is threefold, A) I  moved 2) I have roommates, and D) they already stole all my stuff. I'm pretty confident with my odds on this one.

Up here we are lucky enough to get access to some family's digs. It's okay, if you are into ultra modern appliances, heated marble floors, housewide speaker systems, a theatre room, and generally beautiful scenery.

Just hanging in the backyard.

There's definitely been some tomfoolery going on round here. It's possible that some poor choices were made.

Text from first morning:
Me: i know. . . let's drink ALL the booze!
Others: Yeah!
Our Livers: :(

We haven't been quite as successful in our usual tv/film consumption. But we've kept busy with other things.

Fun with sidewalk chalk.

It seemed achievable at the time.

And then somebody has to go and draw underpants.

Ever seen Paula Deen make food on Quaaludes? The guy who makes these videos is a sick genius.

And the first version of this video left me "meh." Then the second version had me in tears.

For some fucked up reason, YouTube won't link to the second, better video. So here it is.

Yeah. I can't really explain it.

Let me just leave  you with this:

Because they are probably quite focused on you.

If You Have An Ass, I Will Haul It

Departure -- 10:24 am
Arrival -- 3:43 pm

Watch This Now: Jekyll

Lord have mercy. Woke up at 1:30 this morning for No Good Reason.

Then I Fell Down a Tumblr Hole trying to capture an image, gif, quote, something, that would help me convince people to watch this show.

Oh Tumblr, thou art a labyrinth of obsession and sublimated desires. You are scary. And I kind of love you.

Anyhoodle, at approx 4:24 am I gave up, grabbed my Pepsi from the fridge, and committed to a substandard post that will hopefully still be persuasive.

*****************

This has been popping up in my Netflix recommendations for ages. When will I learn my lesson and listen them?

Jekyll is a six part mini series (it's actually considered a whole season but I'm not even gonna go into the vagaries of British television right now). And it's written by Steven Moffat. So let that be the warning and the encouragement.

The clever storyline, while "modernizing" the classic Robert Louis Stevenson novella, really acts more as a sequel to the original work. It's a deft little bit of plotting that allows more believability for our pop culture saturated, meta-aware psyches. It's darkly funny, tense, beautifully paced and visually interesting.

It's also acted wonderfully. James Nesbitt, as the lead, as the is at turns gleefully deranged, achingly heartbroken, desperately self loathing, disturbingly violent and even more disturbingly appealing.

The supporting cast are strong and fully formed characters. Special nods to Denis Lawson (Wedge Antilles!) whose dry delivery makes sandpaper seem soggy. And Gina Bellman knocked it out of the park--rising to every challenge and giving the other characters a credible, some may even say equally intimidating, foil.


tl;dr?

ZOMG!11!! Jekyll is da bomb ass shizzy, fo realz! It's streaming on Netflix, so suckahs got no reason to miss it.

In closing, and with a blind eye turned towards the multitudinous disturbing things this indicates about my psyche, consider this:

I Just Can't With This.

Because a piece of one of my teeth just broke off. Seriously. I don't even know what to say. This is literally one of my recurring nightmares come true.

Guess I get to call some docs tomorrow and haggle over whether any of my meds are causing this. (HINT: they are probably ALL causing this)

I am so freaked out that I have passed freaked out and come back to numb.

Dafuq, universe. Was this really necessary? I can't even with this. Seriously. I can't.