Blather. Wince. Repeat.

Blather. Wince. Repeat.

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

It's Better in Context

But it's still damn good as an excerpt. The following paints, so very beautifully, the quiet moment in life that both fulfills us and leaves us with an inescapable ache. Then it gives us the truth that we know but struggle with anyway:

What Jack remembered and craved in a way he could neither help nor understand was the time that distant summer on Brokeback when Ennis had come up behind him and pulled him close, the silent embrace satisfying some shared and sexless hunger.
They had stood that way for a long time in front of the fire, its burning tossing ruddy chunks of light, the shadow of their bodies in a single column against the rock. The minutes ticked by from the round watch in Ennis' pocket, from the sticks in the fire settling into coals. Stars bit through the wavy heat layers above the fire. Ennis' breath came slow and quiet, he hummed, rocked a little in the sparklight and Jack leaned against the steady heartbeat, the vibrations of the humming like faint electricity and, standing, he fell into sleep that was not sleep but something else drowsy and tranced until Ennis, dredging up a rusty but still useable phrase from the childhood time before his mother died, said, "Time to hit the hay, cowboy. I got a go. Come on, you're sleeping on your feet like a horse," and gave Jack a shake, a push, and went off in the darkness. Jack heard his spurs tremble as he mounted, the words "see you tomorrow," and the horse's shuddering snort, grind of hoof on stone.
Later, that dozy embrace solidified in his memory as the single moment of artless, charmed happiness in their separate and difficult lives.

**********
There was some open space between what he knew and what he tried to believe, but nothing could be done about it, and if you can't fix it you've got to stand it. 
--Annie Proulx, Brokeback Mountain

There are several passages from this book that haunt me. With me for life. It's a short easy read, and very worth it.

If you don't know the above described feeling, I'm not sure if you should be pitied or envied. Once you've visited that place, that in between where nothing is asked for but everything possibly desired is given, I think you probably spend the rest of your life longing to return, consciously or otherwise.

5 comments:

  1. I remember the feeling. It happened between a parent and a child. This is a beautifully written passage. Think I'll read the book.

    Thanks
    orchidlover

    ReplyDelete
  2. You know, even though in the context of the book it happens within a romantic relationship, I'm with you on the parent/child connection.

    I've been thinking a lot lately about the things that shape our subconscious frameworks, behavior models, and expectations lately--and the kind of feeling described in that passage is one that I suspect happens for children and we don't even realize it. Then we spend a long time looking for something we aren't even aware that we miss.

    ReplyDelete
  3. And just like "that" the enlightenment happens. I so very clearly remember the timeless encounter with my mom. The feeling was exactly what is described in the passage above. I am certain that I have searched unsuccessfully for that same feeling in romantic relationships and walked away bereft. You're a great therapist even though I promised not to treat you as one. So now the burning question is should I lower my expectations or just stop looking?
    Damn
    orchidlover

    ReplyDelete
  4. You kicked me in the butt to post some thoughts on this subject that have been percolating in my brainium for a while now.

    I often joke that low expectations are the key to happiness. Except that it's not much of a joke. That's a whole other idea. I could give the standard, healthy auto response which is, "Don't lower your expectations. Change your expectations." But I think there's more to it than that.

    And of course, everybody always says you find things when you stop looking. Except that you are supposed to actively project your wants out to the universe, so you can attract the things you want to achieve blah blah blah contrarycakes.

    To paraphrase someone much more eloquent than me: I don't know, I don't know, I'll wear the bottom of my trousers rolled.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Do I dare to eat a peach?
    --Champagne Rules

    ReplyDelete

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