i really do try hard

but i always say the wrong things
feel the wrong things
think the wrong things

i never get it right, not anymore
and maybe i never got it right in the first place
and just never noticed

too stupid to catch on
first to go
and the last the to know

just flailing and failing
send me to a mountaintop
seal the cave
let me be
leave me be

let me be in some place where i make no mistakes
some warm place with no memories
so i can forget all the things that make me what i am

and i can just be a notion, a stray thought
a thoughtless look, a blind navigator

fuck this shit

1. Parent discovered they have to go in for cancer biopsy after new year
2. $12 in bank
3. Bills due now
4. Checks in mail but none arriving
5. Family members struggling, not a one of those fuckers will get psychiatric help (except that guy, he's cool)
6. I can't get psych counseling for at least 3 months---health care is all about money, and when you have none, you get none. 
7. Bank continues to keep $83 dollars out of my account, due to a 3 month clerical error. NO ONE is available to help. Complete incompetence.
8. Somebody refused my request for 30 seconds of recording, so i lost out on paying gig
9. commandment from on high to "have very merry fucking christmas ps don't expect any help from me."
10. people contact me in weird ways to tell me sad news, but still refuse to talk to me
11. people try to talk to me about things i've asked to leave alone

fuck this shit, i'm going shooting

futility

my love ones keep suffering and falling apart

and there's nothing i can do about it

ain't that some shit

they just keep dying

even when its what they want
if if they did it to themselves
there's just all this death
hanging and clumping like seawead that drown you
caught in your hair and lashes like a cobweb

godspeed brenda
may you know a peace now that you could never find in your life

everyone knows i'm in over my head

if there was a better way, i sure hope it would find me

i'm full of nervous energy but exhausted all the time

if you move fast, they can't getcha

one day i'll move so fast that i'll slip this cage

one day

Our Long National Nightmare. . . Continues

Well, America, I hope you're pleased with yourself. You got what you wanted. God help us all.

I picked the wrong year to give up drinking.

gogogogogo

got to get a few hundred dollars to pay bills by Friday (hahahahahahahahaha)

trying to book extra and audience work around scheduled and requested nanny days

trying to get majority of "action" pix and vids recorded this week and sent to agent. as this requires assistance, i have some luck. but i don't have a bestie who can just eff off and help me out.

have credit card with some room left--really need to buy things like food. undergarments. many of my clothes do not be looking right on my person because i've lost some weight. i refuse to spend more Money I Don't Have on clothing until I have lost some more weight. Good thing I stole ex left belt behind. Droopy Drawers For Life!!!

speaking of drawers, my ass needs a much more rigorous exercise plan. 10k steps a day is cool and still a challenge, but its also a lot of time. i love my walks, but i require faster results and Let's Face It: my old ass really needs a tune up.

i think im supposed to sign up for an improv class. thank god for the credit system and forgive me for participating in the crippling financial disaster that is our country. please feel free to share all my blame with healthcare costs. thankyoudrivethru

i think my uterus is trying to kill me, or drive me insane. which i clearly do not have time for.

i'm tired. i don't feel good a lot. i need to take better care of myself. i need some fun.

unfortunately, i have to rely on myself for help with this stuff. and i am not much help these days.

its so weird to have so many superficial things to focus on to work towards some of my dreams. like, i really need to worry about how old i look? how white my teeth are (don't even talk about straight).

my eyebrow hair? really?

yes. really. so off for some painful personal grooming.