Essays On Neuroticism

July 7, 2016

*******

My appetites are either never satisfied or I am craving isolation. So little habitable territory inbetween.

AKA Why I Turn Into A Freaknik When You Start To Matter To Me

Part of me has always been morbid, it seems. Could it be my very nature to associate dread with love? That is, to fear loving because of ultimately, always, losing? That seems so cowardly.

But heartache produces such a keen sadness.

Disappointment is the bitterest draught.

Can you really fault someone for deciding they’d rather not?

But there I go again, playing a fool. It seems there is always some little silliness in me. Sometimes I think it is what saves me. More likely, it is the only thing that makes me tolerable.

The child parroted back to me that I was a “fragile flower.” But that feels true. I don’t feel strong enough to withstand anything else. Not even an attempt to make things better.

But, I know I will. I know that whether this is pure logic or a dark mood, that there is light out there somewhere. I might not find it today. But it is beautiful and I hate it because it keeps me hanging on to this hateful, hurtful world.

Each person faces loneliness. We can never truly be known by another. Well known, yes. But at the core of your being is something so subjective to the intricacies of your experiences that no one can ever fully comprehend it. You don’t even comprehend it yourself—it can still surprise you after all these years.

Sometimes, lately, you think it’s surprising you more than ever before. Is that what getting older is? Letting go of preconceptions you didn’t even know you had?

Or is that what love is: the shock of being valued leading you to see the world with new eyes?

Or is that just plain old trauma: you just got so stressed that you went completely outta your head and stuff looks weird now?

How did I get to be this old without realizing that hope and doubt are two sides of a coin?

Hope for things changing for the better? Doubting your negative beliefs and prior assessments?

Love. Insanity. Hope. Doubt. Whatever you call the little fucker, he keeps you coming back for more, doesn’t he? No better pusher on earth.

He peddles his merciless commodity and we all just spin away into the long black universe.

i wonder if stars feel lonely

witty title here

So--back in SoCal. Two job leads went up in smoke, I flubbed another interview, my haircut is no bueno, and I've been bedridden with pain the last four days.

It has not been a triumphant return.

But hopefully it will get better.

Why'd Ya Go And Do That?

Did you know that Mandy Patinkin and Madonna recorded a Sondheim duet together? These things do happen.

Feeling Crappy? Pass It Along!

This is a shit post drenched in self pity and simmering rage. Please ignore.

• Parent in hospital, going on week 5. Serious mental and physical issues. Getting better but situation seems to require constant supervision. Still can't get all doctors, etc, coordinated. Usual fuckery of healthcare compounded by being in Backwater Shitsville, FL.
• Fuck all insurance companies. To death. With a baseball bat embedded with glass and nails. The state of health "care" in this country is disgusting. 
• I hate Florida. Especially when it rains.
• It's raining.
• Apartment I'm staying at has ongoing issues, including a/c and plumbing. Had to shut off our own water main yesterday, after a spring bubbled to life behind the tub wall. Standing water throughout kitchen, bathroom, and under the carpet. 
• Landlord is scumbag, so we'll see if this gets fixed. Incredibly problematic, bc the leak has been going on for a while and we are talking about ripping up carpets and tearing up walls. None of which this car salesman motherfucker will be willing to do.
• I can't really do anything about any of it, bc it's not my place anyway.
• Parent's home troubles continue, with leaky roof, major plumbing issues, and the standard electrical outages because omg!rain. Who would have expected rain? In Florida, of all all places?
• Relative with terminal diagnosis is foundering around out there. Can't be reached, doesn't want to be reached, and no one has the money to help him out.
• Am broke. Have no job.No prospects. Tons of debt. Medical bills that have got me  on some collection lists now. And they keep coming. Got a bill for $25K the other week. Guess they waited to bill me until after my insurance had ended.
• Several sibs/relatives work for company that has always been shady. Now they are withholding pay and cancelling insurance and shit. Money is tight from loaning out to deadbeats like me. Everyone's job in peril.
• So many problems seem to relate to money. How did we all fuck it up so badly?
• Feel that I don't have any friends to turn to, even for a night out of distraction. Everybody is busy with their own shit and nobody has the time or the energy to take on something as hopeless as this. Those close by are absent--I don't even have any backup places to stay, really. Where have all these friendships gone? I felt that i put a lot of time and energy into their upkeep, but maybe i fucked that up too. Or maybe it's just like it always is: when your usefulness and relevance has expired, you become disposable. 
• I was denied bowling yesterday. I was late to the lanes bc i had to stop and counsel someone and then had to help clean up water disaster in apt. No bueno.
• menstrual cycle--despite medical debt, still not close to be solved, much less treated. b/c it's totally okay to have chronic pain if it's because of girl stuff
• Going to go wash face in hospital bathroom. At least here there is running water.
• Everyone is sad and tired. Apparently, no one has anything left to give. I think I'm about tapped out, myself. And if i wasn't already worthless enough, I lose all value when I lose the ability to deal with other people's shit.
• I'm fucking exhausted. We are all exhausted. There's gotta be a break in this action.
• i missed this season of walking dead. and because the ppl i do know don't have normal cable setups, i can't catch up via normal methods. the networks are such greedy little bitches.
• blah blah wah wah poorlittlemecakes

Headed West

It's been a bit since I've posted.

Life As We Know It took a pause and I took a trip. It was the kind of trip that turns out to be a Life As You Knew It--because things change so much in such a short time.

After 8.5 months back with my family, tending to immediate and extended family business, I'm headed home.

At mile 312 my sadness got the best of me, and I was beset by a terrible longing and great deal of regret.

I was alright again until someone texted me a picture of one of the cats, saying goodnight. That provoked a rather sudden and emotional response.

My heart hurts.

You'd think, after all this time, I'd be used to sadness. But I hate it so. No matter how often I feel it, it never gets easier.

So I'll do what I always do: run fast and far. And maybe one day I'll learn to move fast enough to leave my sorrows behind.

At least that's what I'll tell myself tonight.

like tears in rain

when hard times come
they come in swinging
got a great foot game
and you just can't keep up

friends scatter like leaves
in the stiff November wind
when you are out of sight
you remain out of their thoughts, on no one's mind

all the faces you put on
get worn, tattered and soiled
all your smiles are propped up
with spindly scraps of "how it should be"

if we are all stardust
does that mean we're the leavings of Space
the detritus of combustible angels
undesirable elements

you fiddle with the machinery that keeps you connected to the world
but only because you've forgotten that world doesn't give two shits about you
(the proof is everywhere
in the absence of regard)

Because I Care

I give you this. And when you speak of me, speak well.