i really do try hard

but i always say the wrong things
feel the wrong things
think the wrong things

i never get it right, not anymore
and maybe i never got it right in the first place
and just never noticed

too stupid to catch on
first to go
and the last the to know

just flailing and failing
send me to a mountaintop
seal the cave
let me be
leave me be

let me be in some place where i make no mistakes
some warm place with no memories
so i can forget all the things that make me what i am

and i can just be a notion, a stray thought
a thoughtless look, a blind navigator

fuck this shit

1. Parent discovered they have to go in for cancer biopsy after new year
2. $12 in bank
3. Bills due now
4. Checks in mail but none arriving
5. Family members struggling, not a one of those fuckers will get psychiatric help (except that guy, he's cool)
6. I can't get psych counseling for at least 3 months---health care is all about money, and when you have none, you get none. 
7. Bank continues to keep $83 dollars out of my account, due to a 3 month clerical error. NO ONE is available to help. Complete incompetence.
8. Somebody refused my request for 30 seconds of recording, so i lost out on paying gig
9. commandment from on high to "have very merry fucking christmas ps don't expect any help from me."
10. people contact me in weird ways to tell me sad news, but still refuse to talk to me
11. people try to talk to me about things i've asked to leave alone

fuck this shit, i'm going shooting