What Really Happened To Your Christmas Present

Dear Mom,

Your craft-challenged child decided to learn to knit and make glorious gifts for everyone for Christmas. Fast forward 4 weeks and we have two projects in motion, somewhere around the 8th iteration of each. Little progress had been made, but there were great hopes for the downtime during this trip.

Others, however, had different plans.

Crime Scene Photo: Exhibit 1

Crime Scene Photo: Exhibit 2

But who could be so nefarious?

Main Suspect

The suspect was found with bits of bamboo on his muzzle. These pieces closely match the fragments shown in Exhibit 2. Investigators believe the suspect blitz attacked the developing scarf, catching it completely off guard. The knitting was dragged from the coffee table and deposited on the ground. It is believed that the suspect was really after the bamboo needles, as the majority of slobber and tooth damage were found on those remnants.

Those close to the knitting, which was a casualty of the attack, have reportedly said, "Oh well, it was crap stitching anyways." There are reports of laughter upon finding the crime scene.

And that's how I spent my Christmas vacation.

#EndOfTheWorldConfessions

Inspired by  http://www.facebook.com/hotsauce18433

I'm actually relived that it's the end of the world, because my unemployment just ran out. Now I don't have to get a job. Thanks Mayans! #EndOfTheWorldConfessions 

Mom and Dad--I lied. It wasn't drug experimentation. It was a clinical dedicated case study with laboratories, government grants, and lots and lots of field tests. #EndOfTheWorldConfessions

Exes--you were right. "I'm fine" was actually code for "I want to rip your spine out with your skull still attached and flail your helpless body with it."#EndOfTheWorldConfessions

I love Journey. Un-ironically. #EndOfTheWorldConfessions

The jokes about stalking hot mens? Not jokes. Don't tell my parole officer. #EndOfTheWorldConfessions

While you weren't looking, I licked the rim of your drink. This actually applies to everyone, ever. #EndOfTheWorldConfessions

I would have probably slept with you if you'd managed to keep your mouth shut. Yakkity yak yak. . . Lord, I hate a yakking man. #EndOfTheWorldConfessions

I'm the person at the party who clogged your toilet. Then drove away. #EndOfTheWorldConfessions

I didn't forget your birthday/anniversary/event. I was just too lazy to drive to the store and buy you a card. #EndOfTheWorldConfessions

I have Kanye West and Lady Gaga songs on my iPod in heavy rotation. #EndOfTheWorldConfessions

It wasn't really cancer. I just said that to make everybody feel guilty and be nice to me. It didn't work out nearly as well as planned. #EndOfTheWorldConfessions

Anything Good In Me Comes From My Parents

Out running errands with my Moo and this happened:

She left one building to walk to her bank, thinking I still had to conclude some business. Turns out I didn't, so I followed soon after, perhaps twenty yards behind.

At the bank door was an older black gentleman. I mention his ethnicity because we are in The South and it retains a certain flavor (bitter) in these matters.

This gentleman was on one of those medical scooters, which wouldn't fit through the door. He was having a terrible time of trying to stand up, brace his fumbling legs, open the door and walk.

I heard my Moo's voice like a crisp bell across the parking lot, "I can help you."

Then she maneuvered the gentleman up. He could barely hold steady, much less take a step. She drew her arm around his waist and he mimicked the action. And so they walked through the bank doors and all the way to the teller, arm in arm like small children at play.

She never saw me. I elected to stay outside. Somebody had to guard his scooter. And something seemed to have gotten in my eye.

That's why my Moo is besta, ya?

And that's how I spent my Christmas vacation.

She Who Breaks The Day

You ever have one of those friends whose constitution is wholly indecent in its ability to sustain? One of those friends who eats McRibs and is slender, can drink a pint of rum and be sober(ish), stay up all night, and get up and repeat the process?

I know a few of these unholy people. Let me introduce you JoT, the Dawnbreaker.

Beware! the bumptious Dawnbreaker
Who parties from dusk till day
With merriment and mischief aplenty
To steal your sleep away!

But perhaps my leetle seester summed it up best in Epic Text Of The Weekend:

Those who laugh know nothing of the Dawnbreaker. Just yesterday, I know a man who broke dawn with JoT, offering supplications of Jack Daniels and beer, but no mercy was shown him the next day. His mouth was become dry, and his head and back were racked with pains. He spent the day burning incense and abasing himself before all the gods, but he knew dawn had broken upon his head, smiting him as if with a club, and the gods do not hear the cries of the fools such as he! Be warned and laugh no more, for the rays of sun signal your doom.

And that's how I spent my Christmas vacation.

Crazy Days And Endless Nights

These last three days have had ridiculously late bedtimes and obscenely early wake times.

Sometimes so much happens it can be too overwhelming to write it down. And who wants the boring minutiae of my life anyway?

Let's see if I can't get some sleep and report back later with matters of interest.

Touching Down On The Emerald Coast

Flying cross country is a bitch, even when it goes well. Does it make anybody else all achy?

I was back in NoFla approx 20 minutes before I got my first phone call and first invite for a night of rousting about. And from an old friend I don't see much anymore. How's that for Not Bad?

Hanging out tonight with Sveltana and Prince Choco Coco (AKA Will). Svet and me ended up laughing our asses off, per the usual. Will continues to crack me up and we scare Svet because we think so much alike. Which either means young Will is quite mature and erudite, or I have the same interests as an 11 year old boy.

I think we all know the answer to that one.

Tink, Champagne and even my little bro all touched base. Tres cool.

I could say a lot about upcoming events, but let me just offer an example instead. Let this be known as my current theme song. It's certainly been on my iPod enough. Heavy rotation is the only way to go with this much awesome.

That's right. Theme song. Soak in it.

And now I'm away. No tales of exploding nail polish in the luggage or dreams of a post apocalyptic asylum with Ricky Gervais and Alan Rickman for you tonight, dear readers.

ETA: OMG. . . I had to come back and add this:

Things To Look Forward To

I know it ended on a preposition, but really: Things To Which To Look Forward? No.

Certain environs hold certain pleasures. To wit: 

• Waffle House!
• Required visits to N-Squaw. Home of the three drink maximum. One martini, Two martini, Three martini, Floor.
• The reunion at the Group W bench. 
• Carraba's with my Forever Carraba's date: Jo.
• Reunion of the Three Musketeers of Debauchery: D'runktagnan, Potsmoke, and ScaruhMiss. We sometimes combine into Form of Assthos. Those are less than noble nights. (The names are interchangable, btw). Yes, The Musketeers are a fearsome bunch. When last in town they drank a waitress under the table. Accidentally. Fear them.
• Going to romp n stomp some fewls on a trivia night.
• Seeing the fam. Though I doubt we will match the awesomeness of the Critmus Sing A Wrong of last year.
• Critmus Tree!
• Critmus Cookies!
• Hanging out with Hotsauce and HRad in their new palatial estate. Fending off the amorous advances of their pack of slightly wild dogs.
• Marco's Pizza.
• Trying to figure out which of the Brothers A people I can hornswoggle convince to throw a party.
• Rolling. But not on the shabbos.
• DEEP HURTING via some truly wretched movie viewing.
• Calming up with Svletlana, Hahhhnk the KGB Pooch, and Prince Will of Choco Coco Land.
• Seriously hoping to get see my peeps from my  former place of employ. This can be hard to coordinate, but I want it so bad.
• The bittersweetness of the Dojo peeps. *sigh*
• Rickle Pickle and D2. Would love a proper visit.
• Schooner's for the requisite Bushwacker and to get the free cup to add to my glassware collection.

Any thoughts from others on this subject?

A&R Man Said "I Don't Hear A Single,"

He had an agent and a roadie named Bart

Geez, I lurve Tom Petty.

I'd like to think these crazy ass early awakenings are just my metabolisms clever way of getting me ready for possible changes in time zones. For when my incredible whirlwind exotic life kicks in.

Any minute now.

Coming up quick.

Just waiting.

*sigh*

I has a sad.

There are lots of factors, but this moment is about being invited to High Tea for a friends birthday tomorrow.

I have one dress. I have two skirts. I might be able to scrounge something together.

But the shoes I would have worn are Things We Lost In The Burglary. The nice clutch I would have carried is TWLITB.

I didn't have much jewelry, but I had a few nice pieces. I almost never have occasion to wear them, but. . . TWLITB.

(And yes, despite my poverty I did manage to try and go shopping for these items. Two stores later I'm still fat and can't find any shoes that fit. Are my feet fat now too? Things to ponder. . . )

I should go down to that one shoe store and see if something's on sale. But I'm just not feeling it.  Between my lack of wardrobe and my lack of body condition it feels like a lost cause.

Wah wah wah self pity stuff blah blah.