bleh

The office grind has this way of seeping into your bones, creating aches and twinges in the nooks and crannies of you neck and your soul.

It's not sadness, it's just . . . sameness. The futility of effort. The never ending slog through all the messes that people make.

Good thing I'm a temp. And this is a decent job with good people. It's all in my head. And maybe in the flourescent lighting. Seriously. That stuff is vile.

First world problems.

Valentine's Day Massacre

I imagine that's the lurid, yet apt, headline that will make it onto various sites and stations.

There have been 18 school shootings in 2018. That's 18 separate incidents in 46 days. I believe there have been 26 or 27 mass shootings total in the USA this year alone.

What is happening? It's like a seal was broken, and now this terrible, unthinkable catastrophe is a mainstream idea. It's totally Thinkable: you can look at examples, compare incidents, and plan strategies on both sides.

The Unthinkable has become the Possible. It is quickly becoming the Probable. What does this shift in thinking, in conceptualizing, mean about the fabric of American culture and society? What are we becoming, what are we enabling, what are we fomenting?

I don't have answers, and I'm not dismissing sober and well thought arguments for changes to gun laws, ammo laws, or outreach for those suffering from mental imbalance.

But I can't help but conclude that this growing public safety concern is about more than the individual parts being discussed. I feel like the US is sick at it's core, ill in some way that affects all of us, and we haven't made inroads into dealing with that.

If the US were a person, I would be screaming: THERAPY. For whom? Everyone.

i don't have any good words to say. its all just so sad.

never safe, never okay

one day i will live on my island and no one will ever be able to hurt me again

nothing will ever be okay

Truth is, I don't even know what to do anymore. I don't know the way out of this, I'm not sure there is one.

I'm so stressed I feel like I could lock myself in a basement and cry for days.

I had to cancel all my remaining "luxuries," including my 20+ year child sponsorships and some work related site memberships.

Defaulted on my Amex, called them to work out the always advertised "pay over time." Checked in, all seemed good, but got a letter today saying they won't extend me certain courtesies anymore bc I'm poor and my FICO score sucks and I have medical debt with collection agencies. Got an email tonight screaming about my overdue bill, which says it's not due until mid March, but demands to paid now.

Naturally, no reps are avail online and I can't find the paper I made the notes on when I talked to the original guy and everything was all good.

The Amex one is bad, bc it's my safest and most secure card and I have autopayments for vital things set up on it.

About to default on another credit card tomorrow. Was able to pay one yesterday, but I still got charged a late fee. I didn't get paid until after 4 pm, check deposited at 5. Made cc payment when I got home, but it was past the 7 pm EST cutoff. A cutoff I would have missed anyway, bc it took that long for my deposit to clear. More late fees. Being poor is expensive.

And that's all a side note to my own ongoing illness that I can't shake and can't afford to see a doc about (the last $275 doc bill was it for another credit card). The fun news is that my dad has, yet again, been denied a test for his cancer.

Yes, they still refuse to FUCKING TEST THE CANCEROUS MASS IN HIS LUNGS TO PROVE IT IS CANCER. This time, all the clinics rejected his Medicare AND his secondary insurance. Fucking dsigusting. Just like our politicians---just repulsive, ugly, and stupid.

We won't talk about how I can't get counseling for whatever is wrong with me after this last two years of hell. I think it's PTSD or something. I'll probably never find out. Maybe I'll just go totally nuts and then I won't care anymore. That's actually my most viable treatment option right now.

and here i am, trying to work on my dumbass "dream", and i can't even afford the nominal fees to pay for the listing services and other basic, fundamental things you have to do to even have a shot

i'd say it's time to wake up, but i've been trying to get legit jobs too for the last 6 years. I've managed to land one. One in 6+ years. i'm not sure i can fix this--i don't think i have the power or influence and i certainly don't have the money to help with any of this shit.

i've always worked hard. i've always been honest. i've always paid my bills, even when they were flat wrong or somebody dicked me over (to the tune of $5K one time, whoopsie, their bad).

and look at what it's gotten me. substandard life, substandard health, shitty credit which makes me a bad person obviously, and the inability to support myself.

what's the point of trying anymore? nothing will help. people like me don't get miracles, lucky breaks, or even good karma returns. life just doesn't work that way. at least, it hasn't so far. not for me or my loved ones.

what's the point of any of it

Maybe I'm Just A Sleeper Bipolarity Disorder

Like, what if the first half of my life was the manic phase? I mean, that's tragic in its own right, considering how much of that time I spent tired, but just go with it.

Maybe I just had a couple decade long manic phase, and now I'm in the depressive cycle.

Maybe that would explain why I am so goddamn exhausted. Because no matter when you see me or how I sound or what I look like, trust this: i am fucking exhausted.

Maybe I just became manic bipolarity crazypants and it's just an exhausting condition?

Or maybe it just needs to STOP RAINING IN CALIFORNIA GODDAMMIT.

later on, i want you to remember this

that it had already occurred to you, the possibility

it wasn't the moment someone else slipped and mentioned it

it was already in your head, it had already hovered around your lips
(confusing you, truly, this isn't how it works)

but don't kid a kidder
when you decide to remember

i really do try hard

but i always say the wrong things
feel the wrong things
think the wrong things

i never get it right, not anymore
and maybe i never got it right in the first place
and just never noticed

too stupid to catch on
first to go
and the last the to know

just flailing and failing
send me to a mountaintop
seal the cave
let me be
leave me be

let me be in some place where i make no mistakes
some warm place with no memories
so i can forget all the things that make me what i am

and i can just be a notion, a stray thought
a thoughtless look, a blind navigator